Apr 28, 2010

How NOT to be a sub

Daddy sent me this list today. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it!

"30 Things A Good Submissive Shouldn't Do"

1. Sing "Happy Birthday To Me" during wax play and blow out the candle.
2. In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
3. During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play
account of what is being done to you.
4. If your dom/me tells you to "Look me in the eyes," do it cross-eyed.
5. If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public,
stick your fingers in your ears and say "Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear
6. Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.
7. If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.
8. Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered.
9. Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.
10. After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell "Gotcha!"
11. Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.
12. Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on! Clap off!)
13. "Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.
14. Flipping your dominant off while your hands are cuffed behind your back is a bad idea. Owners have ways of knowing these things.
15. Kicking that toy you hate far under the bed is futile. Master will only secure your wristcuffs to your anklecuffs and make you crawl for it... repeatedly.
16. Doing your Beavis and Butthead imitation of "Fire, fire, fire, fire!" during Master's lecture on fireplay safety is considered rude.
17. Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.
18. Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.
19. Crossing your eyes and sticking your tongue out while your dominant is discussing your punishment is not wise. (He gave me a special emphasis on this one. Who... me??? *innocent*)
20. Pretending Master's collection of buttplugs are toys and singing the "Weebles wobble but they won't fall down" song is not a good idea.
21. Checking Master's head for the 666 symbol after a harsh punishment will only get you more of the same, or worse.
22. "I know you are but what am I?" is not the appropriate response when called a raunchy little whore during humiliation play.
23. "Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me" is an unacceptable remark when Master's flogger slips.
24. When Master pulls out his bullwhip and says he wants to play, he doesn't mean hide-and-seek... He will find you eventually.
25. "Oh, and you think I am?" is an unacceptable response to hearing your dominant say he is not pleased.
26. During a play party is not the time to do your hilarious imitation of Igor and hunch over, moaning "Yes, Master" when ordered to fetch something.
27. Adding "Sir" or "Master" to "Fuck that plan!" will not save you.
28. Singing the chorus of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better" under your breath during a session is considered foolhardy.
29. Reciting nursery rhymes during an interrogation scene to crack your Owner up only lasts for so long. Then you will pay BIG.
30. Asking "Is that as HARD as you can hit??" is considered a cry for help amongst submissive suicide prevention workers.


  1. brilliant! love this! would like to say i have a favourite, but they are ALL so good!
    If there's one thing better than a cool Master its a cool Master with a great sense of humour... thanks, this really made me smile. :)

  2. That was hilarious...great post! :)

  3. This list made me smile from top to bottom (pun definitely intended!) Thanks!

    Take care,
    Baby Girl :)

  4. OMG that was a great list! I laughed the whole way through. (laughing with respect here, ahahahahahahaha!)

  5. That was refreshingly funny, I loved it! I'm trying to think of a way to work #16 in some where, I used to do that impression perfectly...oh yeah, it's a NOT supposed to do list...darn.

  6. Butterfly, that was funny as hell!

    (Thanks Ally for link on your blog).

  7. LOL this was great!! I love to read humorous posts about D/s.


  8. That's was so funny, really good.

    Thanks for sharing it with us.


  9. ROFLMAO! Those were soooo good. And I've only done one of them....
    I have blown out the candle during wax play. Omega was not put off by it too much. He just blindfolded and gagged me.

    Thanks so much for the laugh!


  10. This is absolutely hilarious - thanks!