Oct 29, 2009

The Beginning

I think this is one of the first things I am doing just for myself. I tend to be more of a reflection of those around me than my individual self. But that's okay. I was born that way; I'm realizing it's not a bad thing necessarily.

It's kind of hard for many others to truly understand someone like me. I'm tired of feeling so alone. Only recently have I started exploring outside my own small world, and so only recently have I realized that... there ARE others like me! It's not bad to be me, in fact, it's a gift, just as many others have other types of gifts.

I am a born submissive. All of my life this has been an issue. Society in general tells a woman to be strong, independent, hard, masculine. Tell me this: if we women are supposed to look down on men so much, why do we strive so hard to be like them? Merely because we are told this is how we can survive in a "man's world?" I'm actually curious about this, as it is a viewpoint I cannot possibly hope to ever understand. But then, my viewpoint isn't so easy for many to understand either, I suppose.

When I was a child, I would do almost anything to please my father. When my brothers wouldn't help him fix the car, I would stand outside and hand him wrenches and listen as he instructed me about the inner workings of an engine. Yes, I've always been blessed with the understanding that any knowledge offered up is a useful thing to take. But I was never that interested in cars. I felt warmed that my father wanted to teach me something, and happy that my being there pleased him so much. I also pleased him by standing next to him and watching him play fantasy games on his computer, sometimes for hours at a time. I would stand next to him in one spot, watching, rarely speaking except when spoken to, barely even moving, because I knew that was what he liked. I didn't have any other motive to do anything I did except that I liked making him happy.

All my life, my first thought has been about others, what their needs are, what would make them happy. I've never thought of myself as being self-sacrificing, or generous or anything of that sort; it's just in my nature to behave the way I do. It's caused many problems, though. I've always had a hard time forming the word "no." Many men have taken advantage of this. Even in my head if I am crying out for him to release me, I will often submit to a man, and I've never understood why. Something just takes over inside of me and I am driven to please, unable to resist, even if what is happening is something that I sincerely do not desire. Of course, this isn't a good thing, I do understand that. I wish I could be more assertive when it is in my best interests to do so. I've made a little progress in that area, but it's still very hard for me. At least now I am beginning to understand the "why" though.

Anyway, my motives for writing this blog are these:
-to explore & understand myself further
-to write the thoughts & ideas I have about this specific side of myself (I have them quite often, and I'm getting tired of not having a good outlet for them!)
-to perhaps connect with others who are like me, who can help me gain a greater understanding of myself
-and, of course, always in my thoughts, to keep a sort of "log" of my thoughts for my Dominant half, if he ever chooses to look at this; the more he knows & understands me, the easier it is for us both