Little Butterfly

Groundhog Day

2012-02-02T02:14:00.000-07:00

February 2

She woke up smiling, yawned, stretched, wriggled her toes. What a great morning.

Wait a moment... she was definitely not a morning person. What the heck?

Lttle wisps of dream came floating back through her brain: clean white sheets, strong male hands, clear brown eyes... Oh, okay, Mr. Fantasy was the reason for today's good mood.

She felt her pussy get moist, and desperately scrambled to recall more of that dream. She was underneath him... he was pinning her down, his hands on her wrists, his lips pressed hard against hers. He smelled clean, like soap and aftershave... His mouth moved to one of her breasts, teeth skimming across her tight nipple...

Dammit! The dream was nothing but little snatches of sensation and emotion. Frustrated, but horny as hell, she reached into her nightstand drawer for her favorite bullet with one hand, the other dipping under the covers to comfort her swollen pussy.

Just then, her phone went off, scaring the crap out of her. Fuck, alarm, totally not fair! With a scowl, she switched off the phone, shut the nightstand drawer, and slid out of bed, trying to ignore the urgent throbbing between her thighs. Mr. Fantasy would just have to wait until later, she couldn't be late today.

_______________________

She pulled up to a large, warehouse-looking building with ten minutes to spare; early--a first for her! The sign on the front read: Firing Range and Self-Defense/Weapons Training School. "Ready for this?" she muttered to herself.

The building seemed large, and she was worried about getting lost, but she easily followed the signs to where the class was going to be held. The only one in the room was a handsome man, darkly tanned, wearing jean shorts and a T-shirt. He had a holster strapped to his waist, with some sort of gun in it, and he turned to greet her with the sexiest smile she had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm John, and I'm the instructor for this class." He reached out his hand to shake hers, and when they touched, little tingles of electricity shot straight from his fingers to her pussy. She stared into his brown eyes in shock, holding on for a few moments too long, and swore she saw a look of understanding cross over his face. Blushing, she dropped his hand, stammering out her name.

The other five students in the class arrived shortly and they began the first lesson of their six-hour day.

At noon, John called a break for lunch... for everyone except her. "I just want to talk to you for a moment, and then you can join everyone outside," he said.

John half-sat on a table that he'd been using for display purposes. "Come here," he said softly, an odd, firm tone to his voice. She found herself easily responding to it. He reached out, grasped her wrist, pulled her a few inches closer. "You handle yourself well, but I see something in you. I know you."

She blinked at him. What? He did?

"Call me Professor for the rest of the day, understand?"

She stared up at him, suddenly inhaling the fresh, clean, amazingly male scent of him. Her brain flashed back to this morning, her dream... she felt mesmerized...

"Yes, Professor," she whispered.

"Goddammit that's hot," he murmured, standing, pulling her to his side, his hand reaching to twist into her hair and yank her head back. His lips hit hers in a crushing kiss...

________________________

She woke up smiling, yawned, stretched, wriggled her toes. What a great morning!

found at:http://thebruha.blogspot.com/

Nothing to see here...

2012-01-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time lately. It's probably easiest to just blame it on the fact that I ran out of medications almost a week ago and am definitely feeling the effects. Luckily I get to pick up the refills today.

But I know it's more than that. I mean, yeah, pain and nausea are enough to make anyone down in the dumps. Certainly this reminder of how... broken and flawed I am isn't helping my mood.

I just want to be normal. Not have to worry about going blind or the fact that the doctors say they don't know what to tell me except "nonspecific brain disease" or wondering if the next time my hair decides to start falling out if this is the time it won't stop at halfway.

I don't want people to get to know me and then realize I'm all fucked up and weird.

I feel like I wear a mask all the time.

Not to say that I'm constantly sad or depressed, it's just that I don't feel safe being myself. Emotions leave you so vulnerable--and I know that being all "girly" and "emotional" is considered a bad thing. I live in a house of guys, I hang out with guys; not one of them wants to deal with that shit. What you do is suck it up and ask what you can do for them. No, not because anyone is forcing you to, just because that's what you do.

Just click away if I'm sounding too emo. I have been holding this in for days so that I don't look clingy and retarded to everyone around me... I gotta let it out somewhere.

Maybe I just need a "reset." It's been forever since I've really been spanked. And you know what? Sometimes I wish I could figure out how to be "normal" and not crave that submission so badly. It's not about pain or punishment, it's just how I'm wired. But it's hard to be wired that way. Why does a spanking reset my emotional meter? Why does a strong, firm, consistent male make me feel safe and loved? Why do I have to need that kind of attention?

Daddy loves me. He is very dominating sexually. He sometimes tries really hard to also be the consistent Dom that I seem to need. But he's not wired that way. It's so much time and attention; heck, he's ADD, time and attention aren't his strong suit. We go together well because I sense and respond to his needs, and he loves that. And because I don't demand a whole lot in return.

Haha, except every now and then, when it all boils out of me and I become all whiney and weepy. Hey, like now! I've been trying to avoid talking about any of this so that maybe it will go away, but now I'm just randomly springing leaks from my eyeballs for no reason. Ugh. Stupid girly emotions.

The worst part is, I shouldn't post at all, because Daddy will read this and probably be both worried and angry. G might read this and... well, idk, he doesn't need to know I'm like this! I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I just want it to be gone!

But at the same time, I want to be talked to, pulled back from this edge. I want to know people I love really care about how I feel. (Attention-hound much?!) I want to be taken in hand and spanked and reset so I can just move on. But... not out of obligation...

Like I said, I'm all fucked up.

Don't click if you don't want to see my boobs!

2012-01-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

Haha I seriously didn't know what to call this. But I really do have a pic or two at the end. (Quick, shut your eyes and click away!)

We went to a concert on Sunday night! Yeah, I was excited, because we barely ever get out. It was Daddy and me, G, and Daddy's 2 other friends, plus one other wife, plus a friend of one of the other guys. That's a lot of people, for us.

Before we left, Daddy told me that he wanted me to be in my submissive head all night. That was kinda unexpected, but of course it made me feel all tingly and subby to be told that, and I promised to do my best.

This is the skirt I wore:

So that definitely made me feel cute and subby. Plus, I made it from a much larger skirt--not just talking bringing the hemline up either. Yay me!

Once the music started, the guys we were with started buying me drinks. Daddy said I should go ahead, so I accepted. I get really fun after just a few, not crazy stupid, just super flirty. Daddy was very amused, although whenever I tried to flirt all over him too much, he warned me to stop or he'd spank me right there. Kind of interesting. So G got the brunt of it. But I don't think he minded. :) Daddy sure didn't, he was enjoying my sillyness!

However, at one point, I don't remember why, both of them were standing behind me and suddenly I felt someone grab my neck and force me all the way to a bent-over position. It wasn't super-crowded where we were, over to the side of the room in a pretty small venue, so I'm sure a lot of other people saw this. I think the hand on my neck was G's. Then I felt Daddy give me a hard swat on one side of my butt, and G gave me one on the other side--to even it out, he said. (Of course!) I got plenty of other swats that night, but that one was the most public!

My favorite part of the whole thing was when the headliner guy came on and he started singing this song that's called "Freak Bitch." It's about a girl that's into S&M and how he's hot for her. They started pulling a few girls up on stage, including me and my friend (the other wife.) I protested like crazy, but then Daddy leaned in my ear and ordered me up there, so I had to go. It was actually really fun--I just pretended like I was a stripper again and danced on the other girls. LOL But the good part came at the end after I was helped off-stage by a tech-guy and I walked up to where Daddy was, and G had just walked up to him. As I approached, I heard Daddy say to him, "Did you see our little girl up there on stage?" I couldn't help but smile.

Oh yeah, and at the end of the night, both us girls were asked to be in the "Who has the best tits" contest. We both said no. I told the girl who asked "I'm a 36DD and they're real, if I take my bra off, it won't be pretty!" She just laughed and said that I'd be surprised at what they'd been shown already. (yikes!) So I thought, just for fun, here's what she would have seen if I'd been allowed to keep my bra on.

Not great, but there they are!

Or, here's the shot that Daddy liked:

On the way home, Daddy sat in the front because he wasn't tired and wanted to talk to his buddy while he drove. (Guess I'll have to find him a nickname if I talk about him more often!) G and I sat in the back seat because we were both exhausted. (The other 3 were in a separate car.) I laid down with my head on G's lap and we both passed out for the hour and a half ride back home. Hopefully I didn't drool on him or anything!

It was really fun. Now it will probably be awhile before Daddy and I get to go out like that again!

About G

2012-01-19T16:36:00.002-07:00

On my last post, I was asked this:

would you like your daddy ordering you to give G a blowjob? or for G to spank you? I just wondered since he reminds of you of your daddy doesn't he?

The person who asked posted anonymously.

I think they are good questions. I definitely talk about G on this blog enough for people to wonder at what my thoughts are concerning him.

To put a little perspective on it: G is the only person who lives nearby who knows everything about Daddy and me. Not many people know, as a whole--my sister does, one of my best friends sort of does--but nobody else we know and live by truly knows us as a DD couple. Considering this is my blog that discusses that part of my life, G comes up more often here than anyone else would.

Not only that, but Daddy and I are kind of loners anyway. We don't really hang out with too many people. G has become very close to our family. Our children love him; our dogs don't even bark at him. He's like a brother to Daddy (sometimes I tease him and call him "Uncle" because of this) and when Daddy isn't around, I know I can call at any time if I need him and he'll be there for me. I trust him absolutely, and that's pretty impossible to get, with me. It's funny, actually, because the night of the ghost hunt, I found myself at one point thinking "wow, I'm acting like my true self at this moment, I never do that with anyone!" It was when just G and I were in the car, before we'd picked up anyone else, and it caught me off guard because I don't act like myself around anyone except Daddy, and sometimes even with him it doesn't always happen.

Okay, so back to the questions! Does G remind me of Daddy? Yes and no. They are very similar in some ways, and super different in others. G definitely knows how to be a Dom, you can tell he has a natural ability for it, and so does Daddy. However, I don't know if G could be a 24/7 Master or not. Then again, I don't think he's ever found a woman worth that much time and effort (in my opinion.) G has an easy time relating to people, which is something Daddy has had to develop. Umm, I guess they kind of complement each other, does that make sense? He reminds me of Daddy because he's solid and strong, both physically and mentally; the kind of guy you know is going to be there for you. The kind of guy that you know is going to humor your quirkiness (they call it craziness) and compliment your cooking and appreciate the stuff you try to do for them, and come running at 2 am when you hear noises outside, then scold you for going to check out the noises in your nightgown, but still care about you. :)

If Daddy told G to spank me, I'd submit. In fact, yes, that is something I've actually really wanted to have happen. I trust G, and I want to know what it's like, so there's nobody else I'd want to do it, or be comfortable with doing it. I think I'd still be shy and nervous, but I'm really kind of hoping that one of these days Daddy and G get together and figure this out for me. I don't know if it will happen though, because I don't know what Daddy thinks.

As for being ordered to give anyone else a blowjob, I just can't see that happening, even though it's on my list. While the idea of doing it turns me on, it's always been through stories and I didn't have anyone in mind. So... if Daddy told me to, I would be happy to, hopefully, please G. But... Daddy's kind of possessive. (Or maybe he just thinks I'm not skilled enough to show off to others *winks at Daddy*)

First and foremost, G is our friend... more family member actually. Yes, he definitely takes care of me in some of the same kinds of ways that Daddy does--Daddy jokes that if he dies, he's going to will me to him. He's probably the only person in the world that Daddy trusts like that with me. I'm so grateful that he's in our lives. Sometimes I like to think of it as it takes more than one dom to "raise a sub" (takes a village to raise a child...) just because sometimes your Daddy can't be there or needs to talk to a friend about dom stuff or isn't paying attention to what you're doing because he's not feeling well or whatever. I love having G around; I told Daddy that he makes me feel safe times two.

Of course, Daddy is my Daddy. That's not gonna change. :)

I hope that helps explain G's presence in our lives a little better.

Naughty Bucket List

2012-01-16T19:38:00.001-07:00

A new friend of mine invited Daddy and I to go on a "ghost hunt" with her and her husband last night. Definitely not something I normally do, but I was intrigued, so I wanted to do it. Unfortunately, at kind of the last minute, Daddy was unable to go, so I talked G into going along to keep me safe. What a sweetheart. :)

Of course, nothing happened, except that my ever-present curiosity was peaked like crazy over this old abandoned house that we were checking out but couldn't *quite* get inside. I desperately wanted to explore it, my friend was sure there was a demon inside, her husband was trying to keep her from freaking out, and G alternated between chuckling at her theatrics and trying to keep me from falling in any holes or otherwise maiming myself. It was a pretty fun night, actually.

We drove around to a few other places around town, including a cemetery--friend and her husband were trying to think of other places they knew of around town that they thought might be "haunted"--with G and I in the front seats, either telling the creepiest stories we could think of (he's got good ones!) or making spook-related jokes. In the cemetery, our two friends indicated how freaked out they were to be there at night. In my opinion, a cemetery is one of the least haunted places there could be; I mean, why would a spirit want to hang out by its dead body anyways? But it made me think of something.

"You know, I actually really want to fuck in a cemetery at night," I blurted out. Okay yeah, kind of just out there, I admit. It came into my head and then just popped out of my mouth. No disrespect to anyone who is buried there, it's just one of those really odd things I have this desire to do.

G laughed and agreed with me. "That would be hot. God I love outdoor sex... naked in the open air, moaning and screaming out and nobody around to hear you... or maybe that's just me..." He rocks!

There were shocked gasps from the back seat. "Are you guys insane?" whispered my friend. "In a graveyard?!"

"Yep," I swear I tried to keep the naughty smile out of my voice. Well, I mean, maybe I didn't try very hard... "It's definitely on my bucket list."

Okay, so that whole story made me think of doing this post. I hope that other people feel brave enough to share one or more of the items on their own lists!

Little Butterfly's Naughty Bucket List

sex on a plane
sex on the beach
sex in a cemetery
~~give a guy a blowjob while he is driving~~
be watched with another woman
~~try out being a stripper~~
visit a sex club/dungeon/attend a munch, even
~~get myself off while driving~~ (was stuck in traffic!)
be watched getting fucked (and find out later)
with a professor (role-playing counts *wink*)
in a deserted alley at night
Daddy giving me to someone else to spank me--I really want to know what this is like!
~~try fisting~~
~~learn how to squirt~~
Daddy ordering me to give someone else a blow-job (yeah that probably isn't going to happen)
play out a rape fantasy (consensual non-consent)
be "hunted" (Nilla's story inspired this one! Now I want Daddy to buy a huge plot of land and set me loose and track me down!)
be caged (I want to see what it feels like)
be dominated by a woman (doesn't have to be sexual)
be flown somewhere romantic, wined and dined and treated like a princess, just like a fairy-tale movie (yes, I'm kinky, but I'm still a girl and this would be lovely!)

That's what comes to mind right now, including some that have been ones that I definitely wanted to do in the past and actually got done. :) Anyone else willing to chime in?

Oral Exam

2012-01-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

He'd already positioned her in front of him, on her knees and naked except for her sheer black thigh-highs and heels. Her expression was contrite as she stared submissively up at him--now it was contrite anyhow. It hadn't been that way ten minutes ago...

"Did you understand your instructions clearly, little one?"

"Yes, Master, it's just, I got distracted..."

"Distracted?" He cocked an eyebrow. "Really? And you think that's a good excuse, my little slut?"

"Really, it's not that big of a deal!"

He sighed inwardly. He'd known his new slave would come with some discipline problems, but such outright defiance? He felt his cock shift as it hardened slightly... a good teaching session was definitely what was needed here.

And that had led to where she was now: properly humbled and on her knees in front of him. A good start.

"I think you need to learn who your Master is." His voice was calm, and very quiet. It caused a shiver to run through her, and he knew that if he bent to feel, the soft folds of her cunt would be wet already.

He unzipped his pants. "Open your mouth, slut."

Feeling the warm, thick head of his cock slide past her open lips almost made him lose his composure--almost. She tried to slide her lips all the way down his shaft and he wrapped his hand in her long hair and jerked her back.

"No!" It was a low, sharp rebuke that took her so completely by surprise that she dropped him out of her mouth entirely.

"Master?" Her eyes were big and confused.

His expression softened a bit. "Little slave, I told you that you are learning who your Master is, didn't I?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good girl. Then I control you; your only job is to please me. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Master." Her eyes gazed adoringly up at him.

He controlled the smile that wanted to flash across his face; she was definitely eager to please him.

Fingers still entwined tightly in her hair, he guided her back into position, pushing just the head of his tightly-throbbing cock past her lips.

"Wrap your lips around it and use your tongue to explore it," he directed. Her instant obedience pleased him, as did her wet tongue, as he slowly inserted himself deeper into her mouth, pausing often to let her explore the length of him.

When she reached his base, he instructed her to suck him for a few moments, pleasantly surprised that she'd managed to take his whole length without choking. But when his hand tightened in her hair, she stopped and held perfectly still, awaiting his next instructions.

"Mmmm," he growled appreciatively. "Very good, slut. Now it's my turn. Open up for me."

He yanked her hair harshly, forcing a little squeal of pain out of her as he pulled her head back so that he could see her face. "Don't close your eyes, keep looking at me, understand?"

She nodded a fraction, focusing her gaze on his.

He fucked her mouth slowly at first, savoring how wet it was, relishing the feeling of his cock-head hitting the back of her throat with each stroke. Languidly he gazed down at her, admiring her full breasts, her beautiful ass...

He pushed his cock as far down her throat as possible and smacked her sharply enough across the cheek that a tear came to her eye.

"Your hand, slut. I didn't authorize you to touch yourself." She struggled beneath him, trying not to choke on the fullness in her throat. "Hands behind your back." That calm, stern voice again. "Right. Now."

Her hands flew behind her back and locked themselves together. He pulled free of her, leaving her gasping in front of him.

"Lay back, slut." It was a terse order, one with an expectation of being immediately obeyed.

He admired the pose for a moment: her on her knees, bent back, lying on her hands, legs apart, dripping pussy completely exposed to him. Then he bent and smacked her wet, swollen cunt... hard.

She cried out in surprise and pain, but he could tell she'd controlled the impulse to move.

"Whose pussy is this?" he murmured, inserting two fingers into her. She moaned, her muscles clenching around him.

"Yours, Master," she whispered.

"Do you touch your Master's toys without permission, slave?"

She shuddered as he started pushing his fingers in and out of her, rubbing small circles around her clit with his thumb. "N-n-no, M-master."

"I think my little slut wants to cum," he said thoughtfully.

"Oh yes, yes please Master!" Her voice was so hopeful.

He played with her for a few more seconds then withdrew his fingers and smacked her again, harder this time. "Good, slut. I like it when you're wet for me. Now sit up, and keep your arms behind you from now on."

He ignored her pout as he slid his cock back into her mouth and twined his fingers back into her hair. This time, he didn't hesitate, but took her forcefully, fucking her mouth like he would fuck her cunt: hard and rough. Tears formed at the corners of her eyes and slid down her cheeks; saliva began to pool off her lower lip; her cheeks were flushed with passion and she could hardly keep from gagging on him. God she looked beautiful!

He held her gaze, his cock slamming into her thoat once, twice more, then suddenly withdrew.

She kept her eyes on his and her mouth open for him. Good slut.

With a shudder, he came on her, painting her face with his seed, marking her as HIS. She closed her eyes as she felt his warmth spatter across her, but kept her mouth open, her tongue out, wanting to taste him.

She stayed perfectly still, eyes still closed, awaiting his instructions, as he zipped up.

He tapped the jizz-free end of her nose, smiling at what a pretty picture she made. "Good girl," he growled. "Now take some of what I gave you onto your fingers and use it to play with MY pussy. I want you to cum for me."

"Yes Master," she murmured, opening her legs wider and reaching up to wipe some of his already-thickening semen off her cheek. Her fingers went to her pussy, starting into slow, tentative circles...

How others respond to my submissiveness

2012-01-11T00:47:00.002-07:00

"Okay the dip's ready," said my friend as she pulled it out of the oven and set her hot mitt aside. "I'm going to go pick up the pizzas."
"Cool," I turned to grab the crackers. "You want me to take this stuff out to the guys?"

She gave me an odd look. "No! If they want to eat something, they can come get it themselves!" She grabbed her keys and went out to the living room. "The crackers and dip are in the kitchen, boys, go help yourselves if you want any," she announced before leaving.

Three of the four men there looked up from the television and nodded obediently. As soon as the door closed, two of them jumped up to grab themselves some grub.

Alright, so, there's absolutely nothing wrong with these guys getting their own snacks. Daddy often tells me that he has legs and he can get things for himself--usually when we are sitting down and he runs out of something and I offer to jump up and get him more. But the above scenario just doesn't happen in my house. I love to serve my guests, male or female. But I especially love to serve my Daddy and his friends, to make him proud of his wife and sub, and because it fulfills a deep instinctual need I have inside.

As my friend's SUV pulled out of the driveway, I walked to where Daddy sat watching the fight and knelt on the floor next to him. He'd been the only one who hadn't nodded at his buddy's wife's instructions; he hadn't rudely ignored her, either, just quietly heard. I didn't make a big fuss, just quietly knelt next to him and asked if I could get him something. He said no, he was saving his appetite for pizza, but said it loud enough that others did hear and knew that I was asking. Then I felt his Pepsi, and it was empty, so I took it and brought him a full one, along with my own plate of crackers and dip. I set his fresh soda into place and told him that I put a bit extra on my plate in case he decided he'd like to try the dip after all. I didn't really think about any of these actions, they were all second nature to me.

Daddy smiled and thanked me. Then I had to tell him about what happened in the kitchen, because the odd looks I get from other women always surprise me at first, as I tend to forget that many other women don't act as I do. He laughed, and his friend (her husband) asked what he was laughing about. So Daddy told him. His eyes got really big, which almost made ME laugh.

"Holy shit, dude, she was really going to bring it in here to us, and MY wife stopped her? Geez, don't freakin' stop her if she wants to do that! She needs to teach my wife how to do more of that!"

I heard murmurs of agreement from the other side of the room, where the other two guys were sitting. Just to tweak Daddy's strings a little, I smiled at him and said,"Or maybe I ought to hang around here more often and learn how to be a modern woman..."

A chorus of "NO!" rang out. "Are you kidding?" said the husband. "I think your man would punch me in the face if I let that happen!"

I don't think that I am overly submissive, and I certainly think I have a long way to go before I'm where I want to be.... with my aspirations as a sub, that is. But the differences between the way I act and the way the majority of women seem to act are not lost on me, and are certainly not lost on most of the guys that see Daddy interact with me.

After that whole interaction at our friends' house, I noticed the way that I was watched. They noted every single time I got up, how I would ask Daddy if he needed anything, how I would casually shake his soda can, how I brought him more to drink without him saying a word.

A huge reaction to my submissiveness is just being watched. It's like they either can't believe what they are seeing or... I don't know. Often I get really uncomfortable, so then I start asking other people if they need stuff. At my house I do that anyway, but I'll do it even more. Oh my gosh, that night, those guys had plates they needed taking to the kitchen, soda cans I wanted to ask if they needed refreshing... it wasn't my house so I felt like I shouldn't do that, but it was SO HARD not to be like that! It's who I am!

Another reaction I've had a lot is guys feeling guilty at first. They get all apologetic: Oh, you don't have to do that, no no, I can do that, please, don't feel you have to wait on me, etc. I smile sweetly and say, please let me, I really want to. Or, if Daddy speaks up first, he'll say something like, just let her, it makes her happy, trust me. Once they get used to the strange feeling of it, they are so happy and feel so special. And when they go to leave, I always get a ton of thanks and smiles.

Although I do have to say that men who have been either too whipped by other women or just can't get over how society says they should be are very threatened by me. It's odd. I'm not talking about truly submissive men either, but the ones who just don't know what to do about a woman who isn't walking all over them in a rude demeaning way. I always feel very shocked by that: me, threatening?!

A definite reaction is that Daddy gets told how good he has it. :) That makes me happy because I feel like I am making him look good. Guys often ask him where they can "get a girl like that" or how he possibly got so lucky. I don't think he's so lucky, it's just that those guys have been trained all wrong by a messed up society.

We have a few really close guy friends and, once they get familiar with us, it's funny, they get used to me and start using some of the same phrasing as Daddy does. Daddy doesn't surround himself with friends that don't have Dom-like traits. Not on purpose, it's just that I've watched him and I see these things. So it doesn't necessarily surprise me when a friend gets close to us and then says something like "good girl" to me one day. Or, like with G last night, who is the only one who knows the true nature of our relationship, calls me out on my cursing when Daddy isn't even noticing and offers to whip me on the spot cuz Daddy has a migraine! (He's getting a little too Dom-like: I tested him by flipping him off when he wasn't looking and HE KNEW I DID IT!! Grrr. Definitely not sure I'm liking this. :p)

Of course, we get not-so-great reactions too. Many of them are in public or from other women. Women so often assume that I act submissive or stay home or serve him, etc, because Daddy makes me do so. Nothing could be further from the truth and I just bristle when they assume that! It's such a judgment of me as a woman! (Totally ignoring what a judgment it is of Daddy, of course!) Silly things too, like the other day when we were walking in the parking lot and he pulled me to walk on the inside (by the cars) and these two younger-20-somethings made some comments akin to "Did you see that? How he's making her walk where he wants? What a jerk!" Are you kidding me? He does that protectively, so that he's the first one to get hit by a car. I do the same thing to my children, but I don't feel like a child when he does it, I feel loved.

Daddy says he sees that a lot of people just look at us very strange, but don't make any comments. Not really bad looks, just odd looks, like they can't quite figure out what to make of us.

Oh yeah, we often throw waiters for a loop because he usually orders for me at restaurants and they aren't used to that any more. We made his parents really wonder when they visited us this past month and we did that. It's automatic now, so I didn't think anything of it, just told Daddy what I wanted and he told the waiter when it was my turn to order, then ordered for himself. Mother-in-law is very autonomous and didn't seem impressed by my behavior at all, father-in-law looked.... mystified, and stared at Daddy for a few minutes. Daddy just smiled at him. LOL

I'd love to hear other's stories. How have friends, family, or strangers reacted to seeing your submissive relationship? Or, on the flip side, how have you reacted to seeing someone else's submission? (I've yet to see anything I'd consider D/s in public, but I'm hoping to someday!)

Torture by orgasm

2012-01-08T01:37:00.001-07:00

Daddy read my post from last night and wasn't too happy. Well, I mean, he was happy that I didn't break his rules and "handle" things myself without his permission... and I didn't, I fell asleep debating whether I should or shouldn't! But he was upset at me for not waking him up when I was having my little dilemma.

"How many times have I told you, Baby Girl, that even if I'm sound asleep, it doesn't matter?! If you want me to fuck you, I'll be more than happy to oblige!"

It's true, we've had this discussion before. It's just that, I feel so bad, waking him up when he's sleeping so peacefully. And last night he fell asleep watching tv, because he has a cold so hasn't been sleeping well. I don't feel it's my place to wake him up for my silly needs.

"Do I consider whether I should bother you when I wake you in the morning and have my way with you before I go to work, little one?"

"Well, no... but that's your right Daddy!"

It was such a silly sub kind of answer that he laughed. "It's your right too! You own this dick just as much as I do. Silly girl."

I do understand what he's saying. And he's even made it a rule that if I'm horny, I need to tell him, even if he's sleeping. As he pointed out, maybe he couldn't have satisfied all of my needs last night (all the submissive desires I had, that is), but he could have helped out a lot. Plus he woke up all horny himself, but didn't have any time to do anything about it this morning, so perhaps I could have circumvented that last night as well. Oops.

Today, he employed what I think is one of his more enjoyed forms of punishment, reserved for when I screw up sexually: the torture-by-orgasm treatment. Made worse by the fact that the kids were home so I had to be super quiet! For about 45 minutes, I became Daddy's little whore, tossed around the bed in various positions and intermittently fucked hard with fingers, then cock, back and forth. He knows exactly how to bring on different kinds of orgasms in me, and bringing them on one after the other is a unique brand of wonderful/terrible torture that I know his inner sadist just eats up.

Then, of course, after he finally relents and releases himself inside of me, and I'm lying on the bed, a wet, sticky, panting, worn-out mess, what does he say? Not one word about any of it! He says, "What are you wearing tonight? We have to leave soon." Good lord, you expect me to go to someone's house and visit with them after you just did all of that to me?? Yes, he most certainly did!

So off we went so Daddy and his buddies could watch MMA fighting together. And I felt content and happy, and quite submissive tonight. I asked Daddy what he wanted and got him more Pepsi when his was empty, without him saying a word... and the other men there noticed, because they always notice. I love making my Daddy proud of me. :)

I don't have insomnia, my pussy does!

2012-01-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I should be in bed right now. Daddy's already asleep! Heck, I've even already taken the nightly medication that normally would have knocked me on my butt by now. The problem is... my pussy is throbbing like crazy! I am so horny I can't stand it!

Part of it I am totally blaming on 'Nilla. I was lying there in bed and decided to check my email on my phone before turning out the light, and there was the next chapter of her Cowboys and Indians story. Holy cow, that story has been a HUGE turn-on to me! I love all of her stories, but some of them just stand out more than others, and after reading that chapter, I was all kinds of hot and bothered!

The other part, well, I guess it's just being reminded of how long it feels like it has been since I've been well and truly dominated. Not through any fault on Daddy's part; I just haven't been up to it. So I am really craving it.

I want to be thrown down and taken. Not only used, though... played with. I want to be his toy, his puzzle to unlock. Push my limits, tie me down, bruise me, fuck every hole, play with my head, make me your slut. Make me feel thoroughly dominated; draw that exquisite submission out of me, piece by piece. I love it when he spends time and energy on me, when he puts his whole mind and soul into Mastering me.

The sucky thing about being in this kind of mood is that, while I'm incredibly turned on, I can't really do much about it! I mean, even if I did want to break the rules and try to "relieve" myself (who me? I'd never do such a thing...) it wouldn't really be satisfying because it's about so much more than just cumming. Ugh! I mean, maybe if I spun myself a really good fantasy or read some more 'Nilla stories... but even then, I'd still be helping a symptom and not curing the problem.

Daddy doesn't have a day off until next Tuesday, so I'm screwed until at least then, darnit.

Slipping into 2012

2012-01-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

First off, Happy 2012 everyone!

The end of 2011 got pretty rough, healthwise, for me, but now it's a new year and I'm hoping that means things are going to be better.

Okay, if you use lube, take note of this post!

We're super picky about what lubricant for sex we use. We've tried many different kinds, so, by now, both Daddy and I definitely have our own list of exactly what we do and do not want. Luckily, when I explained that list to EdenFantasys, they kindly sent out a free sample of what they thought would fit us perfectly, so we could review it and see what we thought.

So here is my list:

I'm kind of sensitive, so I can't use anything that is sugary or overly-dyed or otherwise weirdly unnatural.
We don't like to squirt out the lube and have it flow away like water. Gel is better, but not too thick.
It has to last, so we don't have to keep applying it every two minutes.
It has to be toy-compatible.
It has to "go away." I can't always shower afterwards and I don't want to feel all sticky--bleh. Plus, it sucks when you wash your hands and you still feel stickyness from the gel on them later. Or when he applies it and then tries to wipe his hand off but his hands are still slippery and he can't get ahold of you anymore? LOL
Not a must, but it's nice if it's easy to get out, so you're not fumbling with the container.

Yeah, just a little picky...

I thought it would scare off my dear friend over at EF, but nope, she pulled out what she deemed the perfect product and said she'd ship it right to me! Considering Daddy and I'd been using something store-bought (which wasn't bad, but not great), I was quite excited!

So I guess if you thought EdenFantasys was just about sex toys, now you've learned something. Sure they have great toys, but if you talk to someone and want help finding a certain product to fit your needs, they actually help you out. :)

Anyway, the product I got is called Maximus. And it meets every need we have. It doesn't give me a rash, it's the perfect consistency, it seems to last forever, says it's safe for toys, comes in a nice-sized pump container, and I'll have you know that I just took the pics I'm about to put up for you, and I didn't even wash my hand off, I just wiped it with a kleenex: perfectly dry and no gumminess. I even touched my phone screen... and I'm crazy about dirty fingers on that thing!

Here's the bottle:

(Ignore the nails... sorry...)

I wanted to give you more of an idea of how the actual lubricant is than just the bottle, though, so I took a few more pics.

I love it! Even with how things have been the last month, trust me, Daddy and I have made sure we've tested this lube enough for me to tell you that it's vying with only one other kind as the best lube we've ever tried, and we can't find the other being sold anywhere anymore.

After a few sick days...

2011-12-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hi all. Hope everyone's having a happy holiday season so far!

Life has been super vanilla around here lately. Mostly I think that's due to the fact that I've had quite a few weeks of sickness and pain. So instead of Domly Daddy, I've had loving Daddy taking care of me and helping with things around the house. I know it's hard for him in some ways, because he's used to me doing a lot more, which makes it extra sweet that he's willing to lay his own wants and needs aside at the times my issues flare up like this.

I miss blogging. I haven't even been keeping up with any of you. To tell the truth, I haven't had the energy. I'm begging Daddy for a laptop for Christmas so I can read all my beloved blogs from bed, but I don't think we'll have the money this time around. Oh well, one of these days! :)

I just wanted to come by and say that I miss you all and I hope to be feeling more normal again soon. These sick/pain spells usually only last a few weeks at most, and I'm sure I'm starting to come out of it now.

Thank you Daddy, for being so sweet and loving and looking after me so well.

Late, but still loved!

2011-11-13T16:39:00.001-07:00

Darn, I can't believe this! I missed Love Our Lurkers Day! I'm so bummed. So... I know this is belated, but thank you to all of you who come and read. I love the sense of freedom I get from having a place like this to come and share my thoughts, feelings, and innermost wants and needs. There isn't much in my actual world that can compare to that; sometimes it feels like all we do is walk around with different masks on all day long!

To those that have commented: thank you for the feedback and for stopping to take time out of your day to say that you care or that something I have said affected you somehow. And to those who come and read and never say a word: thanks for coming! Thanks for taking time to want to know what I have to say. I can only pray that my words are helping to reinforce the sense of community we've all tried so hard to foster, and that perhaps I've helped inform someone out there of... something. I know that writing this blog does so much for me; I hope that it has done something to touch some of you as well.

To all of my readers: I like to imagine that if we met, we'd be friends.

Why does butterfly sound like a bee? ;)

2011-11-06T01:26:00.000-06:00

Having a secret in public makes me hot. Knowing that I'm doing something that would scandalize people nearby if they only knew just drives me absolutely crazy. It also really brings out the submissive in me when I'm not in control of whatever is happening.

Like being told to go out without panties. Or even better, being ordered to go into the public restroom and remove your panties.

Or being pushed into a dark corner and feeling his fingers invade under your skirt for a few breathtaking moments.

Or being shoved over the trunk in a (you hope) empty parking lot and spanked a few times.

Of course, I definitely love getting away with not-quite-public sex too. Good thing Daddy has a terribly over-developed sense of decency, isn't it? *grumble... prude...grumble*

Anyhow, so I've been excited to try out the newest toy in our collection: a wireless remote vibe! Yay! The thing is, Daddy is pretty conservative about when and where, and every time we planned to do the test run, something happened and we couldn't. Talk about getting frustrated! I was all for just popping it in and trying it out any old time we left the house, but I guess Daddies have to be in the right frame of mind for these things. *pout*

Luckily, we finally just decided to test run our new toy right here at home, and now Daddy sees exactly how much fun teasing your sub from a distance can be!

Here's what it looks like (I'm holding them so you can sort of get an idea of sizes):

The remote looks cool, doesn't it? That's one of the things I love about it. It's pretty discrete, compared to a lot of them. That black thing is a guard that slides over the buttons. And it has a clip on it so you can attach it to your keychain or belt-loop or whatever.

The egg itself looks kind of big, or it did to me when I first saw it. But it's got a nice-feeling exterior that slips right in and fills me up just perfectly. It has ten different settings. They range from a simple low buzz to different stuttered rhythms. Daddy figured out that numbers 7 & 8 are my favorites. (And I just noticed that you can see my fingerprints on it in the picture!)

Oh but I said "teasing your sub" because, while the vibrations are pretty good--in fact, I found that I can use the egg as a clitoral vibrator and bring myself to orgasm with it--when it's inside of me, it makes me crazy turned on and super wet, but not... quite... there! My gosh, it's torture! In a good way. Mostly. It certainly made me want to jump all over Daddy! (And give in to everything he asked for just to get some relief...)

Let's see, what else would someone want to know about it, as a review?

We tested the range as far as we could in the house and it went from the living room all the way to the kitchen. Haha, I know that doesn't help, right? Well, I just got a tape measure and it was 22 feet (I'm sure it would've gone further). It had to be direct line of sight though. He could be discrete, like it worked through a pocket, but not through something denser, like the sofa.

The egg itself seems very tightly waterproofed. It was easy to wash after taking it out, and has a little plastic-rubbery string thing on it so you can find it.

When I first put it in, it felt a little odd. I'm not used to walking around feeling all filled up! It initially took me a couple of minutes to get comfortable with it in there, but then it settled into place and felt fine. Then it was just a matter of not jumping every time Daddy switched it on.

And why was that a problem if we were just at home? Well, because G came over to watch a movie with us! Which gave us another interesting tidbit of information. Because at one point, Daddy had it on one of the higher settings, and both of us could hear the buzzing quite clearly, but G was totally oblivious. So if you were to ask me, I'd say that this toy is a tad loud, but most people aren't listening for it, so wouldn't notice, however... someone just might if things suddenly go quiet! Luckily the remote has a quick-off button!

I really hope that Daddy has more plans for this thing. I know he's really conservative about any kind of stuff in public, but it's so much fun! Plus it makes me crazy for him! And this little vibe works really well, so I'm just dying to test it even more.

Oh yeah, and we played nice and let G in on our little secret at the end of the night. I wonder what he would've said if Daddy had offered to let him press my buttons? ;)

(sex toys)

Surprise gift!

2011-10-27T22:10:00.000-06:00

I got a just-because surprise present today! Daddy told me something was coming for me, but he wouldn't give me any hints as to what.

Personalized M&Ms! Yay!

Here's a closer look:

And here's the cute metal dispenser they came with.

I love my Daddy! :)

Sweet Gorean brains!

2011-10-22T13:40:00.000-06:00

The other day, Daddy and I were watching Food Network. We watch it a lot, actually. Daddy loves the cooking competition-type shows. He's all about any kind of competition. :)

Anyway, we were watching this show called Halloween Wars. These teams make different kinds of cakes for different Halloween themes. At the end of each round, one team goes home. In the end, one team will be left to win... something... whatever the prize is.

Yeah I admit that these shows don't hold my rapt attention. I'm not into the whole competetive thing. I like to sit with Daddy for the sake of being with him, but I often get distracted by my phone or other things. I do like watching the contestants as they work, and the finished products are the best part: they always look so cool. I actually love to cook and bake, so it's not like I'm not interested. I'm just not into the details or the drama that go along with the competition.

Okay, so we're watching this show, and suddenly Daddy says, Did you see the way that cake looked? That was a submissive cake if I ever saw one!

I had no clue what he was talking about, so I made him rewind. (Yes, he loves his tv, so of course we have that kind.) He told me, Watch, she's kneeling for the zombie to eat her brains, and even her hands in her lap are palms up!

Sure enough...

Why do we blog?

2011-10-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

Reading Stormy's blog today made me feel... a lot of different emotions. I'll take the safest one and write about why I think many of us blog.

In the past, lots of people had journals and diaries that they kept, where they wrote their thoughts and feelings down. It has always been a good, therapeutic, healthy way to release emotion and sift through ones' thoughts in order to better understand them.

Today, we have a more modern version of the journal: the blog. Blogging makes journaling more interesting because a person can get others' viewpoints about things. Sure, there are bad points too: people can be mean, drama can get started. That can't happen with a private journal. But there is also the potential to hear new ideas, have other sides of an issue pointed out, and get different insights into how to handle things. Not to mention the greatest perk (in my opinion): connecting with other people who feel/think/act like you do and can commisserate/celebrate/laugh/cry with you, albeit in a limited capacity. And whatever some may say, online friendships can be just as emotional and real as any others.

All of that, and yet a person still has no need to give out her real name unless she decides she wants to.

Now, I'm not saying that blogging should replace real social interaction, or even necesarily the private journal. (I've actually got both.) It's just that it satisfies a bunch of needs--to write out/sift through one's thoughts, to get others' feedback & input, to connect with others who think like you do, even just to feel like you are communicating somehow, at all--all in one spot.

When I first started this blog, I didn't tell my husband. Then again, I knew he wouldn't think it was a big deal. Why should my writing down my feelings and thoughts threaten him? He knows that is how I get things out anyway. Sure, it would probably cause interaction with other people, but that's why I'm little butterfly here and not _______________. :)

I told Daddy about my blog after a couple of weeks, when it occurred to me that it might be a great way to express the feelings that I couldn't seem to say to him out loud in real life. And now, even to this day, it often serves as a vehicle for him to find out how I felt during and after a punishment, or to understand why I am feeling bratty or stubborn at a particular time. Because often, I don't even know these things, until I am able to write them out and examine them. And even if I did have an idea, I can't articulate that kind of stuff out loud; my fingers can write it, but my mouth has a hard time saying it. And... even if I could say it, I wouldn't, because talking about emotions is super hard for me.

In his last blog, Daddy said he was proud of me for writing about my punishment and how I felt. That made me feel so good. He never says he's worried about his public image or that I'm sharing too much of us or that I might be saying the wrong things. What he cares about the most has to do purely with our relationship: my getting my feelings and thoughts out there for me to process and for him to be able to see.

I never worry about changing my writing because he will read it. BUT, he also can't read it before I'm done, because if he stands over my shoulder and reads, or reads when I am halfway done, I DO get self conscious and start editing myself. I'd feel the same way if he said he had to read my blogs before I posted them. Yes, I did give myself, entirely, to my Daddy, and I do trust him to care for me. But if he didn't trust me to be able to formulate and write about my own thoughts and feelings, it would make me feel small and extremely disrespected. Maybe if it was a certain post for a certain reason... but every post? I just couldn't do it, although I know that some do. (I hope that, if those types are reading this, no offense is taken, for none is meant.)

I guess the thing I am getting at is this: as a submissive and a woman, I needed to find something that validated that I wasn't the only one out there who was experiencing these kinds of feelings. When I went online and searched, one of the things I found that touched me to the core was this blogging community. This is a place that I can share with, a place that doesn't think my relationship is abnormal or "abusive", a place that supports me, that doesn't mind if I'm moody sometimes, a place that shares with me and has helped me learn and grow as a person, and a place where I feel like I've been able to connect with some really wonderful people. Most of us are, indeed, real people with real families and real problems. We don't subtract from each others' "actual" lives by knowing each other, usually quite the opposite. We are all different, yet have some similar ideas or feelings that draw us together and form us into a community.

At least for me, in my world, blogging here isn't me sneaking around, trying to escape my real life and form attachments away from my husband. It's me, spewing feelings out onto a page, trying to understand myself better, and hopefully thereby enrich our life and our relationship.

Daddy's getting serious?!

2011-10-16T11:25:00.000-06:00

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read Daddy's blog post yesterday.

We'd been chatting on Facebook, and suddenly, it just seemed like everything here at home somehow came together in this huge ball of BAD. Unfortunately, Daddy was in the middle of talking to me about something that was important for us, but incredibly stressful as well, trying to instruct me on what we should probably do, the steps I should take that day to help handle the issue. In two seconds flat, everything became way too much, and I didn't even think about it, I just went off.

I mean, later, I wanted to point out to him how he should be happy that I trust him with my angry feelings enough that I feel safe just going off like that... but somehow I didn't think he'd buy it.

Well, right after I threw a bunch of bad words and all-caps around, I logged off. Mostly it was because I knew I'd just keep going, but it still was wrong, because it was basically hanging up on him on top of everything else.

It only took about 15 minutes to feel bad. I finished cleaning something, which helped get rid of some negative energy, and that made room for other emotions. I felt sorry for going off on Daddy like that, and I felt worried. Not that he'd punish me--that didn't enter my mind yet--but that he'd take this as a reason to start having a bad day, get all depressed, come home, and be all pissed off all night. We'd have a crummy evening, he'd be snapping at me and our kids the entire time, and I'd be stuck trying to suck up to him the whole night, all because I'd lost my cool for a few minutes while we were talking. Ugh.

Sounds kind of like a typical vanilla relationship, doesn't it? This is one of the reasons we get into TTWD! Who wants to go through all that crap? But I'd guess we've all been there; obviously we have! It really sucks.

So I got back on the computer and wrote Daddy an email, apologizing for my behavior. I didn't want him to be in a bad mood because of me, and I didn't want our whole family to suffer just because I couldn't control myself. The crazy thing was, the response I got back didn't feel depressed or upset. Usually I can feel Daddy's moods, even at a distance, and he felt kind of angry, but calm too, and balanced, and... something I couldn't define. But nothing I'd expected.

Then I saw that he had a new blog up.

Uh... what?! Seriously?! Talk about immediately putting me in a new frame of mind! After that, all I could think about was what Daddy was feeling, what he was planning, how the heck he'd suddenly decided to channel his inner Dom like this! Instead of letting my outburst dictate how he'd be feeling the rest of the day, he'd somehow turned the tables and, while his day was going as he wanted it to, my day was now changing due to my own actions. Neat trick there.

So yes, as he promised, I got spanked. He made me wait and stew about it for awhile. Then, when I took my clothes off for bed, he came up behind me and pushed me into position over the bed. It was quick and he used his hand. (Boy does his hand hurt, though!) I surprised myself by being fairly contrite right from the beginning, but I knew what I did was unacceptable. He said I got off pretty easily because I apologized so quickly.

I suddenly feel like Daddy is becoming really consistent... what the heck is going on here?

Bitchy butterfly gets spanked

2011-10-14T03:09:00.000-06:00

I think that this month's "crazy female week" probably should have come with a warning label, for both of us. I can't believe how out of control I have felt! Luckily, Daddy decided that this was a good time to show how in control of things he can be.

It was on Wednesday. As usual, I didn't believe his warnings. Or perhaps I chose not to listen to them, as wrapped up as I was in my bad attitude and crazy mood shifts. He let me dig myself quite a hole, too. But it gets kinda confusing and overwhelming when I've been left to dig as many holes as I want, as often as I want to. I don't know--I know I'm supposed to fight back against that urge to give in and let a bad day control me, but the past few days, I honestly just haven't cared; haven't seen what could possibly be wrong with biting at people, even though it honestly makes me feel more miserable.

Well, Wednesday evening, we suddenly found ourselves all alone together for about an hour and a half. No kids, no anything: just an empty house. And I quickly found myself waiting, bent over the bed, panties down, face buried in the blankets, just how Daddy wants me--wondering what I'd gotten myself in for.

Daddy came in and I risked a peek up at him. "Put your face in the bed," he ordered sternly. I obeyed that tone of voice immediately. The noises I heard were enough for me to know what he was doing anyway: walking over to where the toy chest stood open, as he had directed it was to be, rummaging around for a minute, then opening his dresser drawer and rummaging in there. My face still hidden by blankets and my curtain of hair, all I could do was madly run through my head, trying to remember what he had stashed in the drawer.

When he finally came to stand behind me, one hand oh-so-gently caressing my way-too-naked-and-vulnerable backside, I still had no idea what implements he had picked for this session. I was feeling kind of nervous and skittish too, not sure I wanted to be where I was, not sure I was ready to let go of the crazy emotions I had let over-run my body.

He started talking to me, alternating soft caresses with slaps.

I can tell you're pushing my buttons intentionally; I can tell you really need this.

You're not in charge around here, are you baby girl? Why are you trying so hard to pretend that you want to be?

I want to relax on my days off and enjoy your company, little one, not spend the day getting so irritated with you I can barely stand you.

Part of my mind was totally agreeing with every word, also wondering why I do these things, why I let myself get to the point where I'm so out-of-control-miserable that I can't even stand myself. The other part of me was thinking: Ow, you bastard, that hurts, stop it!! Because I was so on edge, everything felt magnified. It was making me angry. Plus I was getting angry because I was agreeing with his lecture. All in all, I sort of wanted to turn around and lash out at him. I also really wanted him to hold me down and make sure that I did no such thing.

I guess he knew that, plus all my squirming and yelling wasn't very acceptable, because his hand came securely down on the small of my back, pinning me to the bed, forcing my ass up into the air, and he grabbed something--I don't even know which implement--and began raining it down on me a lot harder than the slaps he'd been giving. Warm-up was over.

I know he used the viper's tongue, and his belt, and maybe the wooden paddle. I squirmed and yelled and fought him at first, but he wasn't having any of it, he just held me down on the bed, then pulled me over his lap, and kept spanking me.

And suddenly I was answering him with "yes Sir" instead of growls and curses. I still felt stretched all thin inside, and I remember him telling me to give in and let go of my control. Something inside wouldn't do that though. And, while in the past, my slight change of attitude would have made Daddy stop, this time he didn't even pause.

Then I realized that I was starting to push my ass into his belt instead of pulling away in anticipation of the next swing. My answers to his few questions changed from Sir to Daddy. I felt my resolve and my insolence crumble into dust. I knew I deserved being spanked like this; and I suddenly had the amazing thought that I could let go now!

So I did. Just like that. I relaxed into my Daddy's lap and I opened myself up to feel every ounce of his belt. He switched to the viper's tongue then, and it hurt, but not like how it did in the beginning--a different kind of hurt, and I actually felt like it might make me cry. Me... cry!

I know that Daddy felt the shift in me, felt me relax into his body, felt all the fight go out of me. He continued only about a minute or two, and then he stopped, and he pulled me upright and into the tightest hug ever.

Are you all better now, baby girl? Are you back in control of yourself now?

I could only nod into his stomach as I knelt on the floor, my arms around him, my brain only half engaged, thinking, oh my gosh, thank you, thank you Daddy for stopping that crazy run-away roller coaster I was on.

He held me for so long, stroking my hair, telling me how much he loved me. Then he started kissing on me, which immediately lit my pussy on fire, and, like a very thoughtful Daddy, he told me all was forgiven and now he was going to fuck me. :)

When all was said and done, I was in the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. There was something missing from my eyes. A spark. No, not a spark of life or joy: that spark of defiance, unease, and anger was gone. I looked calm and happy. I saw a friend later in the evening and she remarked on the glow I had about me that night, how it had been quite awhile since I looked like I'd felt so good.

Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if my butt is still a pretty shade of red... but I'm so happy that Daddy gave me that exit so that everything could stop being out of control, he could stop being irritated with me, and I could be happy and content snuggling with him and feeling like my submissive self again.

Sometimes a spanking is exactly what we both need.

Being a Dom

2011-10-11T17:59:00.000-06:00

I am not a Top. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you're probably laughing right now, even considering the idea. So why am I writing a post about Doms?

I fielded some questions a few days ago about D/s. I was talking with someone who, I think, is just beginning to understand his "Dom potential." He definitely has it, and if he can bring it out even more, I see it doing him a world of good in all areas of his life. Being a Dom just seems to have that effect, at least from where I sit, watching. But it really had me thinking about the purposes and ideas behind this lifestyle, from the OTHER side of the paddle.

Daddy will be the first to tell you that he's still learning. I know it probably doesn't take every man a long time to become a Dom, but Daddy is careful when things have to do with me. At least, I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it. And honestly, D/s is such a huge change from what society tells you is a "normal" way to live, that it causes a guy to have a lot of mental struggles along the way. (Again, let me stress that I am saying these things only from my experience as a sub, observing Doms!)

Question: What if he is wrong? What if he punishes you, but really he was in the wrong and shouldn't have done it?

My answer: I have a voice. Being a sub doesn't mean not being able to have input. And, for us, there are certain rules that get a punishment. He doesn't just come home pissed off and arbitrarily punish me! We both know what the rules are, we both agreed to them, and we both know the consequences for not following them. They are there for MY benefit for the most part--some have even been asked for by me to help me with something I'm struggling with. Honestly, it messes up my personal sense of equilibrium to not have my rules enforced--to "get away" with something--more than it does getting hauled over Daddy's knee and paddled.

More than even that though, and here is where I can't vouch for anything for sure... but I think that being a Dom has got to come from inside. Things like self-control, moral code, being an upstanding guy--aren't those things that a Dom is always improving within himself? Otherwise, how could he be expected to enforce rules on another person? How could a girl even truly trust him, look up to him, feel totally safe and secure with him? So, maybe there is a day that a Dom is wrong about a punishment or is too harsh (he is only human), but he learns from that, and he even apologizes, because he loves and values his little girl more than anything.

And all of that leads back to what I said about being a Dom helping in all areas of life. I see it in my Daddy. When he embraces his Dom-ness, it radiates around him. People at work feel it; random people at the store feel it; I even see certain women in public react to him in interesting ways, which makes me wonder about their sub-ness, of course! He does better with everything in his life, and he feels happier and more confident and content.

Other question: Why spanking??

My answer: (Inner confusion! At this point, it's such an accepted part of my life, I find it hard to really explain any more.) Number one, problem solving. "Adults" in relationships get mad at each other, stomp around, argue, stop talking, have anger for days. Wouldn't it be easier to say, "This is our set rule, that rule has been violated, here is the punishment"? You spank, feel closer, forget your anger at each other, and that is that. (Then I wondered if some Doms ever have a hard time getting over their frustrations, even after a spanking. Spanking means you forgive and it's done with, if or until it happens again. Maybe my friend doesn't truly feel that concept?) Number two, it gets attention, and often is the only way, at least for this girl. I can be overly emotional, I totally admit it. I can get lost in PMS, or so committed to being a sassy brat, or just be having such a darn bad day that I don't care if I cause everyone else around me one too, that the only way to get through to me is to take off your belt. So emotionally, spanking is good for my Dom because he can get my attention and tell me I'm out of line, and good for me because I'm probably feeling out of control and it's going to be cathartic.

I don't know, I didn't feel that I'd done very well when the conversation was over. In fact, I had a whole lot of questions myself, about how Doms feel, what they are thinking, etc. That, and curiosity about how it feels to be one of them instead of a submissive. Which probably means that, if you want to know about being a Dom, you should ask one, instead of asking me. Still, I hadn't ever questioned my ability to explain all of this until now!

What I sort of felt like saying: You know why spanking? Cuz I need it and it works! It helps sort me out. I hate it, but I love it. Yes, I'm terribly abnormal most of the time; perhaps I'm even messed up somehow, but I don't care! I'm not like all the people you meet in life. Perhaps I'm more real though! I admit that I'm bratty sometimes and push my husband's buttons; I admit that I worry that he doesn't care sometimes; I admit that, every now and then, I look for a spanking just to see if he's willing to do it. Then I get one and regret it... (Yes, I was asked something akin to how being a brat means how can you really be submissive. Well, if you have children, you understand the concept, trust me!) But my relationship is deeper and more trusting and loving than most others you will ever come across. Yeah it has its ups and downs, but we know each other better than most EVER will. And I'm free to explore every side of myself, without worries. So are you actually trying to understand this whole thing? If not, quit poking me!!

Then again, I am hardcore pms'ing this week and really ought to be spanked. (Haha--maybe an answer like that would suddenly have brought him his epiphany of "Why spanking indeed!")

A Bedtime Story

2011-10-06T05:20:00.002-06:00

I just woke up, restless as hell. So maybe if I tell you guys a good story, I'll be able to go back to sleep!

____________________

They'd gone to bed as usual that night: her reading, him playing around with some game on his phone. He finished the game, turned over and tried to get comfortable. She was feeling a little tired, so she reached over, turned out her light, and turned to snuggle with her husband, only to be met with his broad back.

Hmmm... she thought. She craved a connection with this man, one that had been missing the past few days.

She curled her body around his, put her face next to his ear, whispered I love you. That got a good response. All right then, time for her next move. One hand slowly, seductively, began its way down his side, rubbing him softy, stroking him from hip to thigh, and back up. Maybe I can help you get a little more comfortable... ever so lightly in his ear.

She heard him smile in the dark. "Maybe," he allowed.

Pushing the black comforter back, she pulled her husband over so that he was lying on his back, then climbed between his knees. He was more than happy to open them enough to accomodate her as she knelt before him. Her hands groped for him in the dark... found his smooth belly, rubbed up to play with the hair on his chest, slid down to cradle his strong hips... moved lower, searching, and immediately found his hard, waiting cock. She giggled a little before bending to lick just the tip, automatically glancing towards his face to gauge his reaction. Unfortunately, all was black, and he chose to remain silent, unwilling to let her know what he was thinking.

She bent to her task eagerly. His cock smelled like male; like him. She ran her tongue along the underside, followed that with her finger; let her saliva fall on the head and used thumb and forefinger to spread it along the sensitive under-edges. She couldn't see his face, but she knew she was doing well, judging by how hard he was getting.

After sufficiently handling it, she got right down to business, sucking it all the way down her throat. God, it tasted just like it smelled: manly. She ran her tongue down the shaft while it was still inside her mouth, then sucked him down just a little further, making herself quiver and gag, just like he liked. Then she began fucking her own mouth with his cock. She put her hands under his ass, to keep them out of the way, and impaled herself on his length, sucking it into her throat, then slowly releasing it through pursed lips, her tongue dancing over it for a moment before drawing it back into her again.

She felt him start to tense, knew that she could make him come this way alone, and was perfectly happy with that, but he'd been wanting more lately.

With a last kiss to his penis, she rose, turned, and thrust her very wet pussy onto his hard cock. His grunt of approval told her she'd done the right thing. She leaned forward just a bit, right to that angle that rubbed him perfectly inside of her (and gave him a great view of her ass, since he could see way better in the dark than she) and began to fuck him. Immediately his hands came to encircle her waist, helping her with her rhythm.

It felt so good having him inside of her that she slipped her fingers underneath herself, rubbing her slick, wet clit as she pounded down on top of him. She moaned, moving her ass back towards his belly in small circles, feeling his cock swell and pulse inside of her.

His hands moved then. His fingers dipped between her legs, wetted themselves in her copious juices, and two of them pushed deep into her ass, now filling both her holes completely with him. It sent her over the edge. She moaned and pushed against him, both hands now on the bed to stablize herself as she came hard on top of him just a moment before he exploded inside of her...

_________________________

So you'd think I'd be sleeping better tonight, right? ;)

Coughing + worrying = bratty butterfly

2011-10-05T14:55:00.001-06:00

It's hard to be full of thoughts and sick at the same time. It makes for some not-very-restful resting! It's just that all of this stuff about boundaries and submissiveness has been plaguing my mind. I know that it's drawing me away from Daddy, making me shut myself down more.

I mean, for one, being sick makes me feel guilty. Partly, it's a throw-back from before Daddy changed. He couldn't stand when I was sick, and wouldn't accept it. He'd still insist that I did normal household stuff, took care of the kids, and himself, and pretend that I wasn't feeling awful. Even when I was pregnant and dehydrated and had to be in the hospital, I was berated and made to feel like the lowest of scum. That kind of stuff isn't easy to forget.

Now, still, I can't say that Daddy has completely gotten over his egocentric ways. As he himself says, he's rather selfish and I'm pretty self-less. It works, yet it doesn't, if you know what I mean! I feel incredibly guilty for being sick. And this week, it's been a doozy of a head and chest cold. This weekend, while he worked, all I did was lie in bed and doze off and on, trying to keep an ear out for my kids. If I'm bad enough off to cicumvent my Mommy-senses, you know things aren't good!

I have this thing where I think that Daddy doesn't love me when I'm not absolutely perfect. It's not that hard to justify, at least to myself. It takes about a day of my being out of commission before he starts snapping at me, ignoring me, making little comments. I know that he doesn't mean to be nasty; deep inside I know this. It's just that he's so used to my taking care of things, taking care of him. Which I don't mind: it's my job, and I like my job! But then when I'm sick, I start wishing inside for a little girl's Daddy: bringing chicken soup and thermometers, tucking the covers around me, laying cold cloths on my head, reading me stories. It's juvenile and silly, I know this. Daddy wasn't even raised in that kind of environment, so he's sort of at a loss on how to actually take care of someone in the first place.

To top all of that off, I still keep obsessing about the boundaries issue. Not something I need to be worrying about directly at this moment, I know.

Put all this together, and geez have I been sassy. I think it's sort of my way of asking Daddy if he still loves me. Like, "I'm being bratty to you right now, even though I "know" you hate me because of such-and-such reason. (usually a reason only in my head, in this case, my being sick) Do you love me enough to call me on it? Do you still love me enough not to push me away and stop being my Daddy?" You should have seen the way I talked to him in AutoZone. He would have been well within his rights to bend me over the hood of the car right there and belt me silly. I'm pretty sure the mechanic guy checking out car wouldn't have said a word, either!

To top it off, poor G has come over a couple of times lately to hang out at our house, and now today he is sick. Talk about guilt over-load!

Boundaries

2011-10-03T08:47:00.001-06:00

I'm not like most people. Somehow along the way, I was taught not to have the same boundaries and defenses as other people. What seems "normal" and "easy" for others... often it just baffles my senses and makes me come to a complete standstill.

I can't even tell you how long I've been working on this. For years. Somewhere inside, I know that I'm a strong person, because I've been working so hard for so long to get over a lot of my past. I don't discount Daddy's role. He's been there for me, always the strong rock for me to hold onto, but in more of a passive role. I've done the work. Still, on the outside, it's hard to congratulate myself for having come any distance at all, because I still see all the times that I fail.

If you don't understand what I mean by boundaries, then let me tell you a story:

Once there was a little girl. For as long as this girl could remember, her father had shown her how much he loved her with his kisses and caresses. It made her uncomfortable, but mostly she could just go away inside of herself and escape, especially when he went even further. Sometimes, though, she still remembered some of it. As this little girl started becoming somewhat older, started becoming aware of herself as an individual, she started thinking that maybe, just maybe, her body might be under her own control. She knew that her father loved her very much, and because of that, he probably didn't want her to feel so shameful and sad all of the time. Maybe now was the time to say something. She steeled up her courage for a long time. Then, one day they were home alone and father started kissing her like that. It felt like he was in a perfectly wonderful mood and not mad about anything, and she wasn't gone away in her head, so carefully, bravely, and as sweetly as she could, the little girl asked her father if maybe he could stop touching her that way and they could do something else together instead.

It didn't go well at all. Instead of being understanding, her father started crying. As the tears flowed, he said he was the worst father ever, and he should just kill himself for all the troubles he'd put her through. The little girl was horrified at this, and started crying too. Then her father suddenly got angry and started yelling. By this time, the little girl was so terrified at her father's complete loss of control, that she couldn't even figure out what he was yelling about, only that his anger seemed to be aimed at her. Luckily, the scary, angry part didn't last long. Instead, her father quieted, started crying again, and begged her to be allowed to continue, telling her that this was how people showed they love each other, and that he was her father, so this was okay for him to do, that it was perfectly natural. The little girl's head whirled. Somehow, it didn't seem that what he was saying was exactly right, but he was her father, so surely he wouldn't lie to her?! She didn't want to tell him it was okay, and yet that was what he wanted, needed her to do. It felt like the worst betrayal of herself ever, but she opened her mouth, and she gave him permission. As she said it, it felt like her insides crumbled, it felt like it was raining and storming inside of her head... but not so with her father. His face cleared immediately; he smiled and told her he was proud of her, that she did the right thing and he was so happy and how much she made his day. That day, the little girl learned a huge lesson: she had no self; her only purpose in life was obviously to give to others what they wanted and needed to make them happy.

How does that translate to the present? Even now, that little girl can't stand up for herself. She can't say things that might displease others. She can't tell people no. She'll calculate, try to say things in certain ways that in her mind are meant to redirect the conversation or help herself get out of it... but she can't just flat-out say no, stop it, leave me alone.

I actually re-started seeing a therapist a couple of weeks ago, to RE-start working on this some more. Yay. He asked me last week to tell him he was bald. I couldn't. Even when he flat-out told me it was okay, and he wanted me to, my response was, Well, would you like it if I said that? What can I say, it's gonna take some time. I told Daddy maybe it would help if we actively role-played situations, maybe get G involved, where I have to say no out loud, perhaps with negative enforcement if I don't? I don't know, just brainstorming here. I really really want to start fixing this problem!

The post before this one... why do you think it means so much to me to have the kinds of friends that have my back without asking for anything in return? I don't get that in my life very often. If I think about it, about the only two men in my life who've been there for me and never made me "pay" for their friendship, never made me jump through a single hoop to care about me, are G and Big Brother. I can't even say that about my own father...

Butterfly's got backup!

2011-09-30T16:05:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about how the people we collect around us reflect who we are.

Well, duh, of course that's true. I mean, but here's something that only just occurred to me last night: it even shows my little girl submission, and the fact that it's kind of an obvious thing to those who know what to look for.

The other night, when I was talking to Daddy on the phone, I heard noises outside. It was very late, so I went to peek out and see what was up. There were two cars out front of my house, with a bunch of big thug-looking dudes around them. Now, I'm not one to just assume stuff based on a guy's appearance, or at least I try not to be... but when it's after midnight and your dropped-down El Dorado is on the street in front of my house, and you and your giant friends are standing out there in your sagging pants and hoodies, and I am at home alone with three kids, okay yeah, I'm gonna make a few judgments, sorry. Forgive me, I'm nervous at that time of night and we don't live in the best of neighborhoods! (Three people have been shot within a few blocks of us in the past three months.)
I felt bad that I just happened to be on the phone with Daddy at the time. He's so protective and worried about me, and it's a lot worse when he's gone. Luckily, he has his friend G here. Anyone remember him? It was a long time back that I wrote about him. Obviously he hasn't moved--yay! :) And he's been here through a lot of rough times, like Daddy's surgeries, always there and watching out for me and the kids. Daddy told me to call him, but he could tell I was hesitant, it being so late, so of course Daddy did it. G was out his door so fast that I almost didn't finish my text to him (that was my way of obeying Daddy to tell G what was going on, without feeling like I was bothering him too much) before he got here!

The cars had just left--he passed them as he pulled onto my street--and the first thing G did was berate me for opening the door to him without asking who it was first. The next thing he did was chide me for walking outside in my nightgown where all the world could see there was a "cute girl in the house in nothing but a nightgown." Yeah, you get the feeling I have more than one Daddy around here?! It gets even better when I tell you that Daddy threatened me that he'd tell G to come over and spank me if I got out of line too badly while he was gone. Now, I don't actually think he'd do this, but... the fact that Daddy even threatened it might mean he has had some sort of conversation I don't know about, so I'm not going to rule it out at this point! Wouldn't that be just humiliating?! Yikes!

Well, I'm safer now, just so you know. G is really big into guns and insisted on leaving a shotgun with me. It has safety mechanisms, but he showed me how to use it, and I have to say, I felt like a badass, practicing how to lock and load that thing!

As G left, after being sufficiently sure that I knew how to handle the gun, and that all was quiet on my street, he turned and told me (for like the 50th time) "Don't you open that door to anyone!" I saluted him and he said "Good girl," and walked to his car. That's when it hit me: how I have those guys in my life that naturally "good girl" me, who naturally tell me "you behave yourself" or other such things, even some when they don't know me that well yet. I'm thinking that, with me, to a certain type of guy, this kind of thing just must come naturally?

I like having G around. Daddy trusts him completely; I trust him completely.

I have another friend that I've known since I was 15; the moment we met, it was like we'd known each other all our lives. I've referred to him as my Big Brother since as far back as I can remember, and he has been a huge support to me through almost everything in my life. He knows my sub nature now too, of course, and let me tell you, I have no doubt that he wouldn't hesitate to give me a sore backside if Daddy told him to! (Such helpful friends!) But it feels safe and nice, having these certain guys in my life--knowing that they know the true me, and that it's perfectly fine. Knowing that they are fierce protectors of me and my children, and that I have that kind of love and loyalty.

That there are men--my friends--that sense the need in me to be protected and how to do so without my even needing to say much, that's what I was getting at in the begining of this post. Not every man is like that. I know that sometimes my inherent submission attracts predators like flies to honey, and that's why Daddy is so protective, but it's good to remember that it also brings out the good, safe, "manly" side of those more Domly-type men that are out there. I'm thankful for them. I can't speak for him, but I think that Daddy is too, because he doesn't have to worry about things all by himself all of the time. (Does it 'take a village' to take care of a sub, too? LOL Probably this sub... sometimes!)

My lesson of the week

2011-09-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

Alright, real quickly here, before I begin what I wanted to blog about: I got some mixed responses to my last post (not necessarily here as comments.) You know what didn't help? The fact that Daddy hasn't posted anything personal since last April, and that post was all angsty and upset because of miscommunications mostly stemming from his health issues. Yikes! I told him that he definitely needs to update more frequently, it's just that he isn't much of a writer, although he reads quite a few of your blogs on a regular basis. Anywhow, I'm thankful that Daddy understood right away that I wasn't complaining about him at all, just clearing my head and trying to say one thing: this crazy hunger to be completely submissive/completely dominated, sometimes is absolutely overwhelming. Not in the little, everyday things, but in more of a mental, emotional way--where it really matters to me.

Okay, now, guess what? Daddy is gone. :( It's just for a few days. And yeah, he used to be Navy, so heck, four days is nothing really, but it still is, you know? I don't like being alone. BUT, he did give me a "remember I'm in charge" spanking before he left! This thing really does sting!

Stupid giftshops think they are so funny, selling this stuff to Daddies with an ironic sense of humor...

Still, I was surprised, in a good way, when Daddy shooed the dogs out of our bedroom, with only half an hour before he had to leave, shut the door, and motioned to the bed. It was then that I saw that crazy paddle sitting out. I think I looked at him like, Really? You really mean it? Because he took my arm, turned me, and bent me over. For the first time, he didn't even bother taking my panties down, he just pulled them up between my butt cheeks, which, I now know, makes an excellent tool for a Dom to hold you in place when you are squirming. Then he wasted no time making an impression, with the paddle, and then his hand. Guess he wanted me to remember his "lesson" for the entire four days. Lesson being: he's still Daddy even when he's gone, and I still have rules to follow, and I'm still expected to be a good girl for him. See, I was listening!

My backside was burning as he left... and I felt very loved. I had to drive to a doctor appointment two hours away right after that too! The crazy thing is, the seat rubbing against my sore behind just served as a reminder of his hand spanking me (which actually hurts more than a paddle, but I like better emotionally, because it feels more intimate). And that was turning me on! The whole drive, my panties were just getting wetter and wetter, and I had the craziest urge to reach down and touch myself while I was driving. (Luckily I was wearing jeans or I just might have done it. Not that I've ever gotten myself off at a stoplight before............) I just kept thinking about his hands on me, the way he talked to me, how my butt was feeling in that seat!

Wow, see, I'm doing it to myself again. I'm a lucky butterfly though, because one rule that Daddy did lift while he is gone is his ban on touching myself. Maybe he should rethink that one altogether! Because the more I think about him, the more I can't help doing it, and the more I give in, the more I want him! Perhaps the rule should be that I have to orgasm every day. LOL Haha, yeah that probably sounds like something a sub would want to make up, right? Any Doms care to weigh in here? I'll go think about Daddy a little bit while you all are reading... ;)

What I crave

2011-09-24T12:43:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was admonished for not writing in my blog for a little bit. The thing is, I've wanted to, have really been feeling the need to... but I think about it, and I feel more frustration than anything else, and then I shy away. I don't want that frustration to come through in my writing.

It's silly, really. Everything doesn't always have to be happy daisies on here, right? But I so try my hardest not to be critical of Daddy or say things that might be remembered in a harsh light. Plus, I know that a lot of the problems are mine: my lack of communication, or all-too-female way of thinking that he is a mind reader, or just being super emotional at certain times of the month more than others.

Why do I feel so frustrated lately? I've been trying to figure this out. Sometimes I feel way too complex for my own good! It helps to have friends you can discuss things with, at least. So here's what I have figured out:

I crave being dominated. It's something that parts of me do fight against, because women are raised in a world that tells us to be independent and self-sufficient, but there it is: I crave it. I can't help it. And I might be fine for awhile without it, might even be able to convince myself I'm better off governing myself, but I get depressed and... itchy inside after awhile.

Sure, there's sex involved. It's certainly one way to dominate, is it not? And I do love being roughed up and absolutely taken control of sexually. But it's sooo much more than that.

A huge part of it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with being stripped down mentally and emotionally and absolutely taken control of in every way. Even the ways that I fear. It's hard to explain, even for someone who finds it easier to write how she feels!

I'm afraid to trust fully and completely. I'm trying so hard to learn, but I need help. I need that help coming from the other way... consistency, and something more. Tell me to trust you, make me trust you. Push my boundaries, show me the way; DOM me into trusting you. That is my personality, that is the way to show me that you are interested and that you care enough about me that I think I can trust you. It's probably counterintuitive to other women, but not me. Sure, you can't be a bully, but a Dom isn't a bully anyway.

It feels safe to me to know there are limits, that I can't just do whatever I want. But it also feels safe to me to know that I have someone who is In Charge, beyond myself. I know it's not something I like to admit, because my mantra my whole life has been, of necessity, DTA (don't trust anyone), but I can't handle everything on my own. I need that knowledge, daily, that Someone is there, definitely In Charge, and comfortable with it.

I know it isn't easy being a Dom, Daddy, Master, whatever. It's a lot of responsibility and work. And I'm also not trying to say that my own Daddy isn't being a good Daddy or anything. I'm just frustrated right now, feeling a need for something that, in my own mind, I feel like I am lacking. Perhaps he just doesn't understand the depth of my need, or perhaps he doesn't share the desire for such depth; like I said, it's a huge commitment, on top of the huge commitments we've already made to each other. (If that's the case, I wish I could find that switch inside of myself to turn off this deep craving; sometimes it drives me crazy!) Or, maybe he just doesn't know quite how to go about becoming that deep of a Dom... there needs to be a program or something, not everyone is a natural, you know? LOL: Dom 101. 'Course, I suppose that could always be just reading a ton of D/s erotica... 'Nilla's site could keep someone busy for a super long time! ;)

Anyway, that's what's going on in my head lately.

My post: The Day After

2011-09-12T13:52:00.000-06:00

I thought about posting yesterday, and yet, it was so hard to know what to say without just rambling... and probably blubbering. Ten years... it certainly doesn't seem so long. And it's not like I've never been through other events in my life. I was mere miles away when Columbine happened, just to name one.

The thing of it is, I'm not prone to the nostalgic hyper-reactionism that seems to plague this country, or at least plague most of the people I know. Perhaps it's because of my own life--having been through so many rough, heart-breaking trials, my viewpoint is more "move on, look forward, stop crying about it."

But this, 9-11-2001, this was something so profound. Something I hoped would never happen in my lifetime. I think, before this, we Americans had kind of built up this fantasy that here, on our soil, we were entirely safe. It is painful to have such an illusion shattered.

Not only was it profound for our country, but our own family... Daddy had just gotten through Navy training, we had just moved to our first duty station. And the crazy thing was, he could have been, would have been in the Pentagon that day--right where the plane hit. He had two duty stations to pick from: the Pentagon, where military careers can get kicked off, a dream assignment for any young man straight out of training; and a little-known Naval weapons base that handled top-secret new aircraft and missile equipment, but was located in the middle of the desert where nobody wanted to live. He chose the latter because it was where his baby girl grew up, and he knew she missed her home.

Our second son was three months old. He will forever count the years of his life and the anniversaries of the attack as the same. I find that kind of crazy to think about. Of course, none of our children really understand the importance of all of this, and that makes me a little glad, I think, because it means that their sense of security is more intact, more like ours used to be.

Not long after we watched the second plane hit, Daddy got a phone call. We were still in temporary base housing, we were that new to our new home. He had to scramble into his uniform and was immediately picked up by a colleague, and that was the last I saw of him for pretty much three days. He was in and out a few times, darting in the door, interrupting the constant media coverage I had playing on the tv to grab some food or a shower, then leaving just as quickly: back to work, whatever it was they were doing out there on the flightline. The base was closed, completely shut down, and there were MPs everywhere. Daddy told me the first time he came back for food that we were on the top of the target list because of what our base did so I was not allowed to go outside or do anything, or even talk on the phone about where we were or what was going on around us. By the third day, I began to get mad at the terrorists not only for their attack, but for taking away my husband and my own freedom!

Because of the attack, Daddy served all of his Naval service under a time of war, something we had no idea would happen when he signed up. He was proud of his service, proud to go and serve in Afghanistan and represent his country, but I never had imagined that he'd be deployed in a war zone like that. Never imagine I'd be on the phone with my husband, listening to things exploding in the background, or getting emails where he describes the daily memorials, another flag-draped coffin being sent back to the states. Daddy, you're in the Navy, and you're a computer guy... it wasn't supposed to be like this! Still, I'm proud of him. He'll always be my sexy sailor, and my hero.

But out of all that, what I remember the most is this day, ten years ago. 9-12. The day that our country got off its knees, shook off the shock, and growled. The day that I was suddenly proud of everyone around me and realized that, under our selfishness, our silliness, all of our ridiculous faults, we loved each other and we really did love our country. I didn't know that! I've always been extremely patriotic, but it's never been something I've seen in the country at large. Flags everywhere... people acting like everyone was their neighbor... I honestly couldn't believe it. It felt so good to see everyone pull together like that. Nobody even cared or remembered why they wanted to hate on each other any more. I wish it didn't take a common, larger enemy to make people do that, but I guess it's human nature. Too bad it didn't last nearly long enough...

I see 9-11 as a day of remembrance. There were so many lives lost, so many tragedies, so many things changed that day. The stand-out image in my head will always be the mass exodus of people that went across the bridge out of Manhattan. All those people, like refugees, covered with ashes and dirt, walking together... out of New York. My brother was in that mass of people. He missed his bus to work that morning and had to wait for the next one. The bus he missed went under one of the towers as it collapsed. His very pregnant wife watched the collapse from their condo windows and couldn't get ahold of him for hours, not knowing.

The 12th, it is a day to celebrate love, togetherness, the human spirit. And to remember that we have it inside of us, when push comes to shove, to band together and present ourselves to the world as one. Not just my country, or any country, but we as people. And that lesson is the one thing I choose to remember the most from the crazy tragedy that I saw ten years ago.

The best medicine

2011-09-04T20:41:00.000-06:00

For me, being completely mastered is just as good as any therapy or anti-anxiety drug. Maybe even better.

All of yesterday, I was having the hardest time with myself. I was anxious and out of sorts and I felt anxiety swelling inside of me, really for no reason at all. It just happens sometimes. When Daddy and I were watching television in the evening, I couldn't even sit still, it was so bad. I do have medication I can take to help me quiet down, but I didn't really feel like it. I was craving Daddy's nearness over just popping a pill.

Finally, even though it felt kind of weird to be asking, I was so overwhelmed that I told Daddy I thought a spanking would probably really help my situation. It was just something I strongly sensed. He seemed agreeable, but we'd have to wait until everyone was asleep.

Of course, everyone being asleep in this house can take awhile. Grr. And all of that time gave Daddy some space to think. By the time we got into our room and all was quiet, there was a change of plans.

Instead of spanking me, Daddy completely dominated me sexually. He was rough and didn't hold back. (Well, I'm sure he did, but it felt pretty un-restrained at the time!) It was perfect; exactly what I needed. Letting go of all my control and giving it to him was the perfect therapy to quiet my insides and calm me down. When Daddy was through with me, I happily curled up next to him and fell asleep, calm as could be.

Perhaps being "out of control" would freak some people out. The problem with me is that I am too IN control. Too in control of the spaces I inhabit: obsessive compulsive disorder. Too in control of my emotions: can't let the pain out, can't let others in. Too in control of myself! But all of that control doesn't get me anywhere. When you get right down to it, I'm still a lost, scared little girl inside who desperately needs to know that her Daddy has everything in hand, especially that he has her in hand.

So, funny enough, the more ttwd we get into the practice of, I'm thinking the less I might actually need those stupid little anti-anxiety pills. And I kinda like that! I'd much rather have Daddy be my drug. :)

Can you smell the love?

2011-08-29T10:55:00.000-06:00

I'm going to tell you a secret.

I don't shower every day.

*GASP*

Okay, catch your breath and I'll wait while you consider whether you want to un-follow me now...

Still there? :)

Here's the thing: I have really sensitive skin. Were I to get into the water and lather it up every day, I'd be itching from here to the moon. It's not even what kind of soap I use either, it's just getting wet too much. It dries me out. Maybe it has something to do with growing up in Death Valley. As it is, Daddy already thinks I have an unhealthy addiction to lotion.

And we shouldn't even get started on my hair. It's long and thick, and when you wash it more often than twice a week, it dries out and gets all icky. But you know what? Every stylist I've been to has told me I've got some of the healthiest hair she's ever seen.

So I guess I've just found what works for me. The shower sees me once every 3 days or so (unless, of course, I do something sweaty), Daddy doesn't find long hairs stuck to his shower walls every single day; everyone's happy.

That being said, I do try to wash my face nightly, and I'm a clean freak about certain... other things. I keep those cottonelle wipes in the bathroom (those things rock!), and my razor on the sink for quick fixes. But luckily, I don't sweat a whole lot and rarely do anything too dirty (well... that's debatable, I suppose... hehe), so this all works out.

Now what made me post this? Well, Kitty had this post that mentions how she learned that her man likes her natural smell. And that made me start thinking about pheremones.

In my lifetime, I've had quite a few guys compliment me on my smell--my natural smell, not wearing any perfume. Finally, one boyfriend told me that he was very attracted to my smell and that I produce a high amount of pheromones. (Then he had to explain to me what the heck pheromones were! lol) Perhaps it helps that I don't constantly wash off my body's natural oils and such?

Kitty's blog asks, but I am curious also: what do my readers think? Have you ever met a man or woman that attracted you in a deep down way that may have been pheromones calling out to you? Have you ever fallen in love with someone's scent?

Six...

2011-08-25T01:34:00.000-06:00

... random things that have happened in the past few days that have made me say to myself, "I ought to write that in my blog."

The breasts the powder was supposed to go on!

1. I opened a new bottle of chili powder today and I think it was pressurized. When I popped off the seal, red powder flew all over me, down the front of my dress, and into my bra! It made me wonder if there's a market for chili-flavored body powder. Kinda doubtful...

2. I got my first hater comment the other day. It was such a weird comment that I almost left it there. It was kind of a religious nutjob thing, but with sexual overtones... with bad grammar, that didn't make a lot of sense as a whole. It wasn't even anonymous. When I went to the page it came from, the person had multiple "blogs", all with only one entry, all fairly strange and nonsensical. You know, if you want people to take you seriously, first you have to sound intelligent! The funny thing is, Daddy and I are both very into our faith. It's always sad to me that there are people out there who hate on others. Luckily, the comment merely added some humor to my day, and made me think about sending out a prayer for the poor person. *grin*

3. My Daddy smells really good. I mean, not just his cologne, although I am a sucker for yummy-smelling cologne. The other day, I was sitting on top of him on the bed. He pulled me down to kiss him, and I caught his scent--that pure masculine smell that was all Daddy--and I just wanted to close my eyes and inhale him! Luckily I have self-control, because a long, drawn-out sssnnniiifffff probably would have ruined the romantic mood he was weaving.

4. During the same... interlude...(heehee), I was instructed to start coming on to Daddy more. This is incredibly difficult for me. Being naturally submissive, it is much more my preference to wait for Daddy to tell me when he wants me. When I'm horny, I'll give off little hints (sometimes big ones!), but it's just not in my nature to be the aggressor. However, Daddy wants us to reconnect more sexually, and also for me to become more confident in asking for what I need from him. So now, every time I am the least bit turned on, I am to get on my knees and "ask" for what I need.

5. I got my hair colored! It's the first time I've ever had it done. Yeah, I've had highlights... twice I think. But I've never had it ALL done. It's red!! A deep red. And I love it! The stylist did a great job with it. I've been thinking about doing it ever since we went to that concert I blogged about quite awhile ago, when Daddy really liked the temporary red I streaked through my hair, and finally I just went for it. So far, I'm quite happy that I did!

from spanked-cutie.com

6. We were in the parking lot of a store the other day, and I was being sort of mouthy to Daddy. He had the trunk open and was putting groceries in it, and he offered to bend me over right there, in the middle of the open, and spank me... in front of everyone! And he said it in the growly Daddy voice that he uses when he gets fed up, not the joking voice. That was kind of an uh-oh moment! Perhaps when he said that we're going to pick up where we had to leave off over the summer, he was more serious than I thought... Stay tuned to find out, I guess ;)

The Purple Thing

2011-08-17T22:30:00.000-06:00

I got a giant purple chess piece in the mail this month!!

Okay, not really, but luckily, that's what my son thought. Which was pretty hilarious. And now he thinks the occasional small square white boxes I've been getting are me slowly collecting a large, rubbery chess set. LOL (He wasn't supposed to see it, but walked into my room without knocking when I thought everyone was outside and I could safely open my new toy.)

So what I really got was this:

Yes, it's an anal toy! We all know that both Daddy and butterfly are kinda into those, don't we???

Its real name is the Sassi Bendi Arrow Butt Plug, but I just call it The Purple Thing. It feels smooth and satiny, and the really cool part? The neck bends and stays! So you can position it! It feels a little weird when you move it, sort of like the neck is really a neck, with vertebrae creaking or something. I really wonder how it's made inside, but it feels sturdy. And inside of you, it shapes to your body, which I LOVE. The base is pretty fat, so I haven't tried wearing it except during play, cuz it doesn't stay in super well, but it is very comfortable and doesn't make you feel all spread out or bad at all. I sat on the bed and felt perfectly fine.

The other cool part about The Purple Thing is that it has suction on the bottom. 'Kay, I'm not one to buy the dildos you can suction to the wall, or wherever, to get myself off with--I kinda prefer to lie down so I don't fall over when my knees get weak--but here's what I was thinking: the suction on this baby is strong! So if you stuck it to your sub's time-out chair, she (or he) wouldn't be moving from that spot until you let her get up.

I know, why do we subs think of this kind of stuff?! Like an idiot, I mentioned this "great" idea to Daddy, but I highly doubt he'd ever do it, since he never makes me do time-outs anyhow.

Oh yeah, and at the same time, we also ordered my very first set of nipple clamps! Eeeek! I'm excited and a little nervous. (They are the tweezer type.) Alas, just as my blog has been neglected, so has our playtime for anything too exotic thought, so the clamps have lain unused, so far. But I'll let you know! After all, school starts next Monday... YAY!!!

The Tuggie

2011-08-16T12:51:00.000-06:00

We were out at a "real" mall yesterday. *gasp* In a real city even! *double gasp!*

Those readers who also live in small, out-of-the-way places are grinning in sympathy right now.

Anyhow, a trip into Spencer's revealed this interesting gem, which I just had to share with my friends here. Especially you, Mick!

Questions, yay! :)

2011-08-13T14:27:00.000-06:00

This is a meme I got from Ronnie's Page. :)

_________________________________________________

What is your screen name? - Little Butterfly

How long have you been practicing TTWD - Probably about 5 or 6 years

What is your astrological sign - Cancer

What part of the country do you live in - Southwest United States

Do you have any children - Yes, 3

Do you have any grandchildren - Not yet!

What is your favourite colour - Pink :)

Morning or Evening - Definitely evening

Favourite ice cream - Mango Haagen Dazs... mmmmmm

Favourite sport - Hockey and baseball

Favourite TV program - Ghost Adventures

First person who welcomed you to blogging - Actually, it was Ronnie! :)

Title of your first blog entry - The Beginning

What are you wearing on your feet right now - Nothing, I never wear shoes in the house

What's your favourite day of the week - During the summer, it doesn't much matter what day it is, they all blend together. When school is in, it's usually Monday, because the weekend took all my energy and Monday is the day I allow myself to sleep in and not do a whole lot!

Who are you listening to right now - Daddy changing the tv channels

Chocolate or Vanilla - usually vanilla; I do love chocolate, but a lot of "chocolate-flavored" stuff is really sweet and sugary more than chocolatey

Tea or coffee - Coffee

Favourite non alcoholic drink - Cranberry juice, or root beer

Favourite alcoholic drink - it's been forever since I had alcohol, but I used to love mudslides

Favourite vacation spot - Haven't been on any real vacations, but put me anywhere near an ocean and I will be happy!

Favourite Season - Fall & Spring

Place you want to visit - Europe!!

If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD - Of course!

Best piece of advice you can pass on about TTWD - It's all about trust, so don't rush it; let it develop naturally.

My first spanking this summer!!!

2011-08-09T19:01:00.000-06:00

Well, what do you know? I guess some of us shouldn't be saying such things as "where have the spankings gone on this spanking blog?"

Daddy had bribed our boys for this weekend up until today that if they helped keep the house clean, he'd let them go to the skating rink for the afternoon. They did fairly well with the cleaning, but it was more so we could have a little peace and quiet! So we dropped them off at 2, then he took me to lunch. We ran some errands and got back home with probably 45 minutes to spare before the roller rink closed. Daddy got on the computer to check his Facebook. I kinda joked to him that we are pretty lame that even when we finally get a moment in the house to ourselves, we aren't all over each other. Then I went in the bedroom and flopped onto the bed to check my own electronic stuff via my phone.

It wasn't too long before I heard him enter the room.

"So what was that you were saying? We're lame huh?"

"Yep." Studiously looking at my phone.

He flops down on the bed next to me and starts messing with our cat, looking just as relaxed as you please. Only he has that Dom air about him now... you know what I'm talking about, where they look all normal but you can feel it in the air around them?

"Maybe I should take the rest of the time we have and give you what you deserve. Let's see," he smirks "if I go slowly I can do what? 45 swats? If I speed it up more, I can easily get 90 in."

I look at him, kinda surprised, but trying not to show any emotion. I guess I glared, at least he says I glared. Then he asks me if that's what I want. I think about playing coy, then decide to be more straight up, even though it's pretty hard for me to just come out and ask for it. It ended up about half and half... "What if it is what I want?"

"Then I suppose I should give you what you want."

But then he didn't move, just laid there. So I just laid there. Doms are so... frustrating. I know he was giving me time to decide he wasn't serious. Which is what I did. So when he finally got up, I thought he was going out. Then he shut the door.

Next thing I knew, I was being forcefully hauled backwards by the rear beltloop of my jeans. I cried out in surprise as my feet landed on the floor and my belly and face landed on the bed. He made short work of the button on my jeans, peeled them and my panties down my bottom and thighs, and planted a hand firmly in the small of my back, shoving me down so that my butt stuck out at just that angle they all love so much. (Right about then I was imagining him mentally rubbing his hands together and laughing evilly as he stared down at me. All you subs... don't tell me you've never imagined that!)

He only used his hand once or twice, then I felt the well-worn leather of his thick black belt across my skin. It hurt! I haven't been spanked in many many months, and not even a warm-up?? I instantly began struggling and fighting to get away, but Daddy was quite prepared for that, so I didn't get anywhere and was just wearing myself out, and getting harder swats for my effort.

But geez, it hurt so bad, it was taking my breath away! I actually thought about stopping him because I could hardly breathe. It's just been so long that now I pretty much have a poor vigin backside. Sad... Of course, there was, as always, that part that welcomed the pain, that needed the punishment, especially after such a long hiatus.

I have no clue how long it lasted. Thank goodness he didn't make me count; there's no way I could have. I'm sure he knew that. I couldn't let go enough to cry... probably in part because when pain is that intense for me, it has to be more gradual or it seems to shut off my tear valve, but also because it's just so hard for me to let that much of myself go. We'll get there though. I know that a lot of emotion besides pain has to be involved too.

Anyway, while I couldn't let go enough to cry, I did manage to let my anger go, and that was a really big step. Usually I keep that in check and then get angry afterwards. Not this time. I got really mad at the pain I was feeling. I started shrieking at him when it really hurt, and even answering questions rudely, which isn't so good for your backside, I know, but it meant I was truly expressing a real emotion at the time! And he spanked me through that anger. And it felt good!!

Finally I gave in and apologized for losing my submission this summer. I admitted, when he asked, that I half said it because I was sorry and half to stop him from spanking me. If he'd varied implements, speed, intensity, made me stand in the corner, etc, he could have carried on for longer, but (1) the kids were coming home, and (2) he explained to me that he knew it was going to hurt really bad but sometimes he knows I need a shock to my system to let me know when he's serious and get me back in the right frame of mind. I told him that I trust him. :)

After Daddy hugged me and kissed me and told me that he loves me, he threw me back on the bed, leered down at me, and told me how much spanking me turns him on. (This part always makes me feel better, hehe)

"Whose mouth is this, little girl?" Running a finger over my lips.

"Yours, Daddy." Giggling a little; I like this game.

"Whose breasts are these little girl?" He grabs and squeezes them hard.

"Yours, Daddy."

"Whose pussy is this, little girl?" He brushes his fingers across my slit. "Ohh, little slut, I see that a hard spanking turns you on, doesn't it?"

"Yes Daddy..." it was more of a moan than actual words.

"Whose ass is this, little one? He reaches under me to pinch it.

I squeal from the sharp pain. "Yours, Daddy!!"

"Good girl."

Then he fucks me, hard. And before I come, he wraps his hands around my throat to make me come extra hard.

I still have a quite cherry-red bottom, and considering I've been trying to write this blog for an hour and a half (and hide it with a facebook tab every time the kids come up, which is a LOT), that is saying something.

Hello!

2011-08-05T22:07:00.000-06:00

What is it about summer? I guess it's sort of obvious though: I just don't have any time or space to myself! This same thing happened to me last summer too! I really miss my blogging world and everyone in it! :(

Unfortunately, with three kids at home full time, and a Daddy that I want to be with in the evenings, that makes for a lonely blog. I SOOO hope this can be remedied soon. School starts in less than a month... and trust me, we are all more than ready! These kids are so bored by now.

The funny thing is, I've barely even gotten to touch my own computer, most days! Daddy remedied that by giving our kids set times on their profile, where it logs them out after their prescribed hour. I did finally get an Android phone though--yay me! hehe Blogging from it is sort of rough though. But it's still pretty cool to use! I really like it. The texts are set up to say "Hey beautiful, you have a text message" whenever I get one. ;)

Not much has been happening on our D/s side of life. I miss that, too. It's sort of difficult, since kids are always here. It does make me sad though. This is a spanking blog, right?! And where has the spanking part of it gone?! Ah well, though, there is more to us than just that. And it will come back, we just have to get life settled back down, I guess...

Anyway, I just wanted to check in here and say a quick "hi" to anyone who might happen to stop on by. I really do miss writing on my blog, and reading all of yours. I hope that I can be more active really soon. xoxoxo

Massage candle

2011-07-05T00:24:00.001-06:00

If you have never tried a candle massage, DO IT!! It is fun and sensual and feels really good!

What's a candle massage, you ask? Well, they make certain candles especially for use as massage oil. You light the candle, let it burn until a nice little pool forms, then blow it out, pour it on your partner, and start rubbing. The oil doesn't get hot enough to hurt, it's just pleasantly warm. And it stays viscous way longer than lotion, so the entire massage is way easier to do, and therefore much more enjoyable for both parties. :)

Daddy and I have used different massage oil candles before, but this is the one that we got from EdenFantasys:

Kind of an interesting design, right? It's actually quite user-friendly and even with wax-slippery hands, I had plenty of places to hold onto the candle.

It also has a really nice smell. On the website, it's advertised as "rose scented." It doesn't smell like roses to me at all. I'm not really sure what it smells like. Just a really nice, soft scent that lingered in our bedroom for two days after we used it!

What made the candle different from others that we have tried was that it melted really fast. That's kind of nice when you are like us and forget to plan ahead, or when your Daddy suddenly wants a backrub before bed.

Hmmm, what else can I tell you about it? Sorry, I know I sound kind of disjointed tonight! It's a really cool candle. I seriously recommend that anyone who hasn't tried a candle massage do so, and this one from EdenFantasys is a great one to start with because it is easy to use, has a nice scent, and isn't expensive. Daddy loves it when I massage him, but it isn't my favorite thing to do, mostly because my hands get tired really fast. But the hot wax helps me a lot! Plus, it makes the massage doubly helpful on sore muscles. :)

And yeah, I know, that website is all about sex toys, right? Well, no, they have lovey-dovey stuff like this too. It just so happens that Daddy and I, although we are very much in love, usually go for the kinky-type sex stuff over the lovey romantic type stuff. This time, however, considering Daddy's recent surgery, we were forced to mix it up and go for something tamer, and I guess that's a good thing, since I really like this little candle!

Now if I could only get him to try it out on me... ;)

Edit: So I guess I thought I was getting the rose-scented candle, but there is more than one scent, and I got the amber scented one instead. That makes more sense--I could see this candle smelling sort of amber-ish! Thanks to Kayla from EdenFantasys for pointing out my mistake by noticing from my picture that I have an orange container as opposed to a pink one.

Pull My Hair

2011-06-26T00:51:00.000-06:00

This song is a little bit ridiculous, a lot naughty and dirty... and probably really offensive. But I just love the way she moans "Fuck me Daddy, spank me Daddy" during the chorus! :) So if you feel like getting a little turned-on at the moment (and aren't easily offended!), then here ya go...

Consequences

2011-06-22T23:21:00.000-06:00

How do consequences work in a D/s relationship? I mean, the sub often has rules to follow, right? And when those rules are broken, what happens? In many of our relationships. a consequence such as a spanking happens! Not to mention the fact that the Dominants are there to guide choices and monitor decisions and, when it comes to making many big decisions, doesn't it often go something like: we both have input but when it comes down to it, the Dom has the "ultimate" decision?

Seems kinda lopsided, doesn't it? Like the sub has no real say, technically. And, if you think about it, what consequences does the Dom have for anything? If he (or she, but in my blog it's a he, so we'll stick with that, for the sake of things being easy!) decides to break one of the rules that the sub has, he doesn't get a spanking! And what if it's a rule that could really work for his betterment too? That's really not fair!!

The thing about life, though, is that there are always consequences. Doms have them just as much as subs. They are just different. Actually (and shh, don't tell any Doms I said this!), but sometimes I feel like we subs have it a little better because at least our consequences are often more immediate and, therefore easier to get over. I mean, there are pros and cons that I think balance both sides pretty well... and in my opinion, pros that well overbalance a D/s relationship with a vanilla one... but I digress! :)

So what kinds of consequences does a Dom have?

Well... His disregarding his own rules a lot is going to make his sub think that they are not important to him. Over time, she is going to stop caring so much about them. Or she will lose respect for him because she will think he is just arbitrarily making up unimportant rules, or that he doesn't hold himself to the same standards that he holds her to. She'll think he's unfair and start acting out. That makes his life pretty hard, and it strains their relationship.

Another one... The fact that he has "Ultimate Decision" seems like a great power trip, but it's really a lot of responsibility! What if he makes the wrong decision? Whose lap does the fail fall into then?! Making decisions involves taking into account the welfare of an entire family, and sometimes discounting what you actually want. I've seen how being a Dom can weigh on my own Daddy. Being the guy in charge really isn't all that easy. At least not if you're doing it the right way!

I don't know, I guess what I'm trying to do is provide a more balanced look at this kind of lifestyle. I take a very logical, thoughtful viewpoint when it comes to anything I do. Yes, hearing the words dominant, submissive, slave, master, and such can all cause negative emotional reactions, especially in those who might be a little less informed. The choice to live this lifestyle should only be made by someone who has truly examined their own motivations, emotions, and ideas about such things.

But you know what? After all is said and done, this whole ttwd thing makes a lot of sense. :)

Answering a comment

2011-06-14T00:04:00.000-06:00

I received a comment on my "Rules" section the other day. This is what it says:

This is pretty strange. How can you let someone else decide who you should be?

It's a valid question. Someone on the outside of this lifestyle, peeking in through this blog, this window I've created, might indeed wonder why I've made the choices I've made. And thank you, Anonymous, for asking politely. :)

So... how can I let someone else decide who I should be? Well, quite simply, I can't. And I don't. Daddy and I decided on the rules. I had input, and I did have veto power. It wasn't like he just unilaterally decided on a set of rules, set them in place, and said "Thou shalt follow these rules, or else!" Actually, every rule is in place for a good reason. And every reason is for my safety, welfare, and betterment, and the safety, welfare, and betterment of our relationship. Daddy doesn't arbitrarily make up rules just for fun. Then he'd have to enforce them, and that would be too much unnecessary work... heehee.

But, other than that, how can I let someone else be "in charge" of my life in this way? Why do I even need to have a set of rules that I should be held accountable to? Well, perhaps it doesn't work for everyone. We are all wired differently. Our differences are what makes the world fun, aren't they? :) Anyhow, being this way is what works for us.

I'm extremely intelligent, yet not so gifted in the common sense department. Luckily, I have a Daddy who's a natural protector and loves to take care of me. It's one way in which our system works well for us. A rule like "I will not allow strangers such as salesmen or workmen I am not expecting into the house when I am alone, and I will always tell Daddy when someone arrives and when he leaves" seems kind of childish, but I have a history of being overly trusting, combined with a history of being attacked by people. (And I see that this is not even one on our list, but I guess that is because it predates even our D/s relationship; it's just something that is so established with us by now for my safety.) So even though it would seem to others like Daddy is controlling me, can you see how, in this example, our relationship is actually mutualistic? Don't for one second think that I am getting any less out of this relationship than Daddy! We have each found what we need in a relationship and a partner, and that is what a marriage is all about, right?

In all real, working D/d or D/s relationships, you will find an amazing abundance of trust, love, and friendship. (Please note the "real, working" part--that's important! Some people play at it, which is fine if you just want a fun night of power exchange; some people just want to play with people, which is not cool and hurts others.) Sure, there are the same hardships that other couples have too! But there isn't any feeling of oppression or like you lost something or are missing something or yearning for freedom or a part of your life that you gave up. On the contrary, it's like you've found the missing answers. And the answers aren't in the way you've chosen to do discipline, or even if you've chosen to do it physically, or how you've chosen to live the lifestyle exactly... it's more about how you've chosen to come together as a couple, trusting each other in a way that's almost completely foreign to society as a whole any more. I mean, it's not perfect, because neither person is perfect--it's really hard, actually! But it's soooo worth it to keep on trying!

Did all of that make any sense and help answer your question at all? I hope so! I always appreciate questions, so feel free to ask, anyone who wants to. As long as you keep it respectful, I am happy to try to answer as best I can. <3

me vs... me

2011-05-31T23:46:00.000-06:00

Daddy's surgery seems like it went well. I am SOOO happy we went out of our stupid little town and went to a big hospital with competent doctors and nurses. We were both very impressed with the care he received, and how great he looks. The doctor was quite proud of his work too, which he should be! He took a giant, fat, ugly, hard, painful scar with multiple hernias in it and cut it all out, pulled the skin together, and now all that Daddy has is a long, thin incision, maybe a foot long, up the middle of his tummy. He even said he can now feel that area again, whereas before, it was all numb. The only thing is, he had to sacrifice his belly button to the process. Which just means I can tease him forever... hehe. Actually though, it looks kinda cool because instead of looking like someone stuck a hose into him and inflated him, like the rest of us look, it looks like he's been zipped up!

I've figured something out about myself though. And I'm not sure what to do about it. I think maybe I do this because I'm so used to compartmentalizing myself due to the dissociative identity thing, but I can't seem to figure out how to be the strong, take care of everything and be all in charge and stuff person and still feel soft and sweet and submissive.

Don't get me wrong, I AM strong, and I KNOW that. But it's manifested as more of an inner strength. I can get through anything; I can do anything; I can BE anything. Even though I may outwardly doubt myself and be scared and worry and freak out, I've had enough experience in this life to understand that I can do anything that is asked of me. (Yeah, I may park crooked, and the shelves I try to hang are never flat, and I can't seem to keep up with cleaning up behind all the males in this house, but darnit, I always come through!)

But, Daddy is the one I defer to, the one who takes charge around here. I like it that way. He drives whenever we are together (and rarely allows me to drive at any time--not because he's a jerk, because I have an eye disease), plus we pretty much do everything together. And it's almost always been me who has been on the other side, battling something: eye disease, migraines, D.I.D., giving birth. It's not cool when that is reversed. Not only do I feel stranded and out of my element, not only do I feel like my world is crashing around me because my Daddy is suddenly unmasked as being all too human, but I begin to change in ways that I don't like.

I quickly and easily undo all the long, hard work we've done with tearing down my walls. And I become a bitch. I get into this "okay, if I'm in charge and having to be this powerful, do everything myself woman, what the fuck do I need you for?! I don't!!" And even if I want to feel loving and soft, put my head on his shoulder, snuggle up to him... I can't, I just physically can't. It feels terrible. I start wanting to lash out at him, trying to find all his faults, making myself pull away.

Why can't I be submissive and also take charge of our lives for awhile? Everybody has to do that at least now and then. What's wrong with me that I feel the need to go into bitch mode if I can't be in subby little girl mode??? Do I really feel that much of a need to protect myself when I can't pull into my shell? I seem pretty... I don't know... just not very much of a strong kind of person.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be a jerk to Daddy. Especially when he needs me to be loving and to serve him right now. I feel so unstable sometimes. And weak, very weak.

Viper's Tongue

2011-05-24T23:10:00.000-06:00

It's about time I got to write this post! I was beginning to think that our new Viper's Tongue was cursed or something! Every time Daddy said we'd "try it out tomorrow," something happened! This last week, we got this ridiculously aggressive flu that I actually had to go to the ER for.

So, when our toy first arrived in the mail, from EdenFantasys, of course, Daddy took it out and tried it out on the bed. Thwack, thwack! Holy cow, that thing sounded... painful! It was quite stiff, as new leather usually is. My first thought: soften it up! I looked online and, not having any special soaps or lotions, I found a way to soften leather using common household products. First, I doused a cotton ball with rubbing alcohol and rubbed it all over the viper's twin tongues. Then I took a dollop of Vaseline and took my time working it into the leather. I really massaged it in there, until my hands hurt. Then I put the toy away. Next day? Nice and soft and easy to move around. Again, Daddy tried it on the bed. His analysis: Wow, look at what I can do with just a flick of my wrist! This is going to be fun! (cue evil glint in his eyes.) Uh oh...

Daddy has been wanting the viper's tongue ever since he saw that EdenFantasys has a "bondage toys" section, but it's always been out of stock before now. Darn. ;) Here's the best picture I could get of it; it's kind of an awkward toy to really do justice to, but I know it does have a better pic on EF's actual website.

What's the best way to describe how this "sex toy" feels? Sting-y. But it feels really different depending on how hard or soft it's used, or even how it is handled. I've never had a flogger, but I've heard that is the case with those as well? I know that Daddy wasn't using it that hard, but wow, he certainly knew how to flick it just right, so that the ends smacked me and made me sting like crazy!!

We had a first, too. Besides some during actual sex, we've never really had a spanking that wasn't a punishment. This one, Daddy said, was expressly to try out his new weapon... erm, I mean toy... and possibly also help me relax a little. So... he had fun with it. And honestly, I think he's discovering how much he likes "playing" with me like that. (*cursing myself for helping to uncover his inner sadist!*) He started playing Which Hurts More? with his belt and the viper tongue. I'm used to the belt, and I said I much preferred that! Afterwards Daddy said that he thinks the VT might be his new favorite implement, that it might even unseat his current favorite: the crop. (Ugh I hate that thing!) Then he says: oh that's a great idea! Next time we'll play the game with the crop and the VT!

Eeeek!!

Seriously, though, even though it stung, I have to say, it's a cool toy. It's really versatile and can be used for either beginners or those who want more... I was going to say pain, but the correct word is "sensation" right? LOL My backside was quite red when Daddy was done with me but it left absolutely no marks. (Which can be good or bad, depending!)

In unrelated news, Daddy goes in for his next surgery on Thursday. It's one that will hopeful finally fix all the problems caused by last summer's botched gall-bladder surgery that almost killed him. Yes, we are definitely taking him to a different, much better hospital this time! Please pray or send us all the good thoughts and well wishes you can!

Grief

2011-05-16T01:07:00.000-06:00

My friend, a very talented and accomplished cartoonist, drew
this in rememberance of her own mother. I like it a lot.

Well, I know Thursday has come and gone, and we were supposed to use Daddy's new implement, but then about halfway through the day, my mom called. My grandmother passed away Thursday morning. She was such an amazing woman, and, although she has been battling with Alzheimer's the past few years, it really kinda hit me out of the blue. Daddy immediately pulled me onto his lap as my tears started to flow, and also told me there'd be no punishments that day, that I needed cuddling, not spanking.

I'm not good at processing emotions. I bury emotions. It's definitely one of the things we have targeted as Need To Work On. This is such a big emotion though. Grief. Even though I haven't seen my grandmother in many years, I've felt very connected to her throughout my life. She was quite influential upon my thoughts and ideas, and is definitely one of the women I most admire, ever. My favorite author is Richard Bach, and she is the one who introduced me to him. She was the first adult to ever treat me as an equal. She had a doctorate in music. We used to play together: her on piano and me on violin. She always expected my best, no matter what it was I was doing, and she wasn't afraid to call me out and push me harder. But always in the right way. She had six children, which turned into a legacy! She was the matriarch to a huge family... right now there are probably about 200 people that are mourning her passing. My father's side of the family is just massive!

She was married to my wonderful grandpa, who died of cancer when I was a teenager. I loved him so much. He was a Navy veteran who earned a purple heart in the Korean War, and he used to sit me on his lap and sing to me. Old traditional songs that required a deep baritone, like "Oh Danny Boy" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," and bawdy Navy songs (which drove my mom crazy! lol) I love hearing my father sing because he sounds just like Grandpa. When Grandpa died, Grandma soldiered up and kept on going. She grieved, but she was also strong. Eventually, she and an old friend got married. She told me it was so they could each keep each other company until they could pass on and be with their spouses again. I liked that. She was a spirited woman too, which is why it didn't surprise me when her other reason was "And I really would like to have sex again!" I laughed so hard, and almost high-fived her! I was in my 20's and she was in her 70's then.

She was spiritual, thoughtful, and so smart and talented. It was painful to know that she'd declined so much in the end, due to her disease, but I've never stopped admiring her. We wrote to each other, but less frequently as she got worse. I feel guilty for not keeping up with her more, made even worse by the fact that we haven't had the funds to make a trip to see her for so long. We'd actually been talking about trying to do it this summer. How come it's always too little, too late?

It hit me on Saturday night--that she was really gone. I stayed up almost all night, crying off and on. Then, at like 5 am, I went out and got on the treadmill for half an hour. I don't really know how to react, I guess. I've been a whirlwind of anxiety and energy, hardly sleeping, not talking a whole lot. I think I just don't know what to do with myself. I do know that her suffering is over, and that she's with Grandpa right now. He's probably so happy! I know she's a lot better off now, and I'm happy about that. It doesn't make it hurt less though.

Also, now Daddy's parents are coming to visit this week. They'll be here tomorrow. That's really stressful because I've been making double-sure that everything looks as clean and good as possible. I mean, come on, it's the in-laws: you don't want them to think you're doing a bad job taking care of their son. Plus, his father always gives him crap because I don't work and he says I'm being lazy and useless, so if my house isn't spotless, well, yeah. Sigh. He's a very opinionated man who I've had a few run-ins with over the years, and he's the main reason I've had to help Daddy learn how to be sweet and loving and nice. Daddy says he's way mellow now, compared to how he was before! He's got his moments though, and I do love my in-laws. My mother-in-law is very different from my own mother, but she's a good person and very comfortable to be around.

Anyhow, so probably no testing of any new toys until the weekend. Although they are staying at a hotel, but Daddy has to work every night they are here. I think a spanking might be very therapeutic at the moment, but last night, all my "awakeness" did finally wake him up, and he was extremely dominating and rough, basically fucking me to sleep, finally... and that was exactly what I needed.

Sorry, this was supposed to be just a quick update kind of post, but then I started rambling. I kinda feel better now though.

Wow, he's getting good! :)

2011-05-09T23:45:00.000-06:00

I was floored this Mother's Day by how much thought that Daddy put into things! He gave me a gift on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday. And each one was something that, at least a month ago, I'd pointed out at our local crafter's mall that I really liked. Even I had forgotten them, but he hadn't!

Just like he is, he could hardly wait to give me what he'd bought. This means that, during our marriage, I've almost never been surprised by a gift on the actual date of an occasion! LOL But this time, on each day, he made sure we stayed up until after midnight so that he'd be giving me my gift on the proper day. He's so cute! (Yes, Daddy, I know that men don't like being called "cute," especially Doms! Sorry!)

So here's what I got:

He gave me this on Friday. Obviously, I love butterflies, and this picture does not do this windchime justice. It is just gorgeous! And it makes the prettiest sound too. :)

He gave me this cute ragdoll on Saturday. She looks like she could be Raggedy Ann's little sister, doesn't she? I remember pointing her out because she just brings out my "Daddy's little girl" side somehow. When he gave her to me, he said, Maybe this isn't much of a "mother" kind of present, but you're not my mother anyways, and I love and celebrate everything about you, especially that you are my special little girl, so your presents reflect who you are. <3

My last gift, on Sunday, was a sparkly tiara. I don't have a picture of it, except one with me and my sons, but you all know what a tiara looks like. It's the more classic style. We were at a store quite awhile back and I was looking at the jade bracelets there--I really want one but my, are they NOT cheap!--and then I saw these pretty tiaras and I told Daddy that I'd always wanted one, because every girl wants to be a princess. :) So on Sunday, I was Daddy's princess. I even wore it to church, and everyone who saw me smiled at me. (Yeah, on any other Sunday, wearing a tiara to church might get you looked at really funny, but on Mother's Day, moms can do stuff like that!) I loved that he got it for me, and I was so surprised! I felt so special and pretty, wearing a tiara all day like that! My dress totally wasn't nice enough to match, but it didn't matter.

So that was my Mother's Day weekend. When I called my mom on Sunday, I told her what my wonderful husband had done, and she was suitably impressed too. She said, Wow, he's really getting quite good, isn't he? LOL Yes, Mom, and if you only knew why! This lifestyle has been the best thing ever for us, and I know that is definitely one reason we've come so far together emotionally. But no, my mother doesn't need to know that!

I hope everyone else had a wonderful day also. I'll be posting later this week about a new implement that Daddy ordered... although it's rather scary looking and I'm not sure I want him to try it out on me! :p

Mean Daddy or unexpected dominance?

2011-05-08T00:29:00.000-06:00

Thursday. Came a few days ago, actually. But... I guess processing it has taken this long. I don't know.

I think perhaps last Thursday night I actually got my very first true punishment spanking. Sort of. I mean, I've been punished before, obviously you all know that. I take it seriously, but... well... it kind of has felt like he hasn't. Like, I think Daddy's caring about me has always come before his displeasure.

So I've been looking more for an emotional release or connection than anything else--when I've been spanked. I think. Because Daddy has never seemed absolutely truly angry at me before.

It's funny because... I thought I'd been taking more steps in the right direction lately. And I still think that's true, now that I've had some time to reflect. And now that we've talked, of course. He says it's more a matter of: he wants and needs to take the reins more firmly, and he knows I have more in me than I'm currently giving.

During it though? He sounded so mean, and so angry!

We were in the garage, me bent over the chest freezer. I went out there first. He likes doing that to me because then I stand out there, bent over, my panties around my knees, anticipating when he's going to join me. He came out, belt in one hand, my daily behavior journal in the other. And he just started berating me so harshly that it sort of shocked me. He didn't give me much of a warm-up either, and then that belt came down hard and fast. And he was still lecturing.

I started crying. Amazing huh? Only it wasn't the cathartic sort of crying that was the only other experience I've had with tears and spanking. It was flat-out "I feel awful and you're being so mean and I don't deserve such brutal treatment" type crying. (Stormy, I was totally seeing eye-to-eye with you, my friend!) Then dust got in my eyes, and they started stinging like crazy, and the leather belt was still coming down on my, let's face it, rather virgin backside--cuz it's been quite a few weeks since I've been spanked in any way! And has it ever been so... vigorously?! So that all combined to make it even worse. Then, when he was done? No cuddling, no sweet words; Daddy told me to stay there and think for a few minutes, then just left the garage.

I stood there, sort of in a shocked kind of spacey mindset. I heard everything around me: the dogs barking outside, a mouse burrowing in the corner... but I didn't move at all. I have no idea how long it was, but Daddy finally came back out to see if I was alright. And he hugged me and murmured sweet things to me and told me how much he loved me. Then he fucked me. Which may not be what every sub needs after a punishment, but it helped me reconnect with him and I really liked it.

So it's been two days and I can say one thing for sure: Daddy's displeasure and his punishment have both really been on my mind as I go about my day! It hasn't made me feel distanced at all though, and when it was happening, I sure thought it would, because I was sort of mad, and hurt! But I've felt loving and submissive, and a tad confused, just because I wonder if this is a new leaf he's turning over or if it was a one-time thing and we are going to go many more weeks where he just sort of ignores me (in my mind) and lets me do whatever. A lot of emotions inside of me. Um, yeah, quite a sore butt too... today, a two hour car trip on a poor bruised backside = a lot of shifting around in my seat!

I think perhaps that I worried Daddy a little, standing out there like I did, and then being very quiet for the rest of the night. Even on Friday I felt very... subdued. But I was glad he didn't second-guess himself or anything. That would have negated a lot of my submissive feelings and made me feel like the punishment meant a lot less. I'd guess how I'm feeling is a very natural reaction to some feelings I haven't really been made to feel before.

Do I want this to be a continued thing, him being so much more... dominating? LOL Yes, because I can see it being what I ultimately need, and helping my inner feelings be forced out from behind their sanctuary. But no, because I was getting sort of used to having my way and being bratty whenever I felt like it, but I really don't want to be punished like that again!!

Let's talk about sex, baby

2011-04-29T15:35:00.000-06:00

Sexuality is kind of an interesting topic in today's world.

I mean, sex is everywhere! My kids certainly know more about it than I did at their age (and frankly more than I think they need to!) BUT, while popular media buys into the glitz of sex, I'm not sure that the vast majority of us really talk about it that much.

In college, I started out wanting to be a nurse. Specifically, an OB/GYN nurse. My goal someday is to open a safehouse for girls and women who have been abused, maybe with a focus on dissociative disorders. I think being a nurse will help with that. (With my kids being so young, I had to turn to online college finally, so I got a business degree instead... for now. It will be useful too.)

Anyway, so I focused my extra studies on sexuality and women's health. Awhile later, I found myself selling Passion Parties. If you don't know what that is, it's the same kind of thing as a Tupperware or Parti-lite set-up, only for sex toys and such. It was a lot of fun!

Both my college and Passion Parties experiences taught me sooo much about women and sexuality! We hint at things, we allude to things, we joke about things, but in the end, the overwhelming majority of us don't have much of an outlet for questions, concerns, or just comparing notes. About ourselves, our experiences, our partners... anything!

It's one reason I love our little corner of the blogging universe, actually!

So, I found out, from buying their toys, that EdenFantasys is starting up an area for this kind of thing. It's called EdenCafe.

So far, from checking it out, I think it's a great idea. They have different areas: Health & Body Image, Kink, Relationships, and Sexuality. I've seen articles about everything from funny personal stories, to describing a first visit to the gyno, to (of course) toy and lube reviews, to some really good sex advice. The fact that there are articles dealing with such things as how a mental health problem can affect ones sexuality is what really made me want to look around more, though. That, and many other topics, are often ones that women (and men!) out there feel alone in dealing with.

The thing that does bother me about EdenCafe was that there are quite a few articles that seem rather hastily written, often with typos or that I've finished reading and thought, "hm, what was the point of that?" Probably about half of those I've read were real gems and the other half I could've skipped.

But here's the thing: this is a relatively new venture for them. I'll bet if more people came, all the kinks and bugs would start to get ironed out. (Well, okay, leave the kink, hehe) This could really be a great place for anyone to come, ask questions, learn something new, and gain more knowledge about their own sexuality.

My own two cents to the people at the cafe: I can't find an "ask a question" button, but I think it would be a great idea! And, maybe it's just me, but when some of the articles go to the black background with the not-very-bright tiny white words... I can hardly read those!!

But anyhow, it's EdenCafe, and if you get a chance, check it out. There are probably other places like it online, but this is the first that I, personally, have come across, and I think it could be a great resource if they get the traffic and interest needed to keep improving it!

What do you think?

2011-04-28T03:03:00.000-06:00

This is my absolute most favorite pic (at least at the moment!) Imagine what is going on in this picture. What is he saying? Has she done something wrong? Can he simply not keep his hands off of her, his desire too great? Any commenters care to tell me their own version of what they think this picture is showing us?

Thank you :)

2011-04-25T21:36:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to thank everyone who read and/or commented on my last post. I appreciate all the love, support and advice! And don't ever feel like you are coming off pushy or out-of-turn. (I mean, unless you are totally trying to be a complete jerk on purpose!!) Part of blogging is getting others' perspectives, and I am always grateful for the things that my readers have to say. :)

We've been out of town for the last five days, visiting family for Easter. Daddy and I had some very long hours in the car to talk, so that was nice. And I never get to see my family enough; we had a great time!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend! I'll have to get all caught up with all of your blogs this week!

*hugs*

A disappointing submissive

2011-04-20T23:09:00.000-06:00

It's good to talk. People don't get anywhere without communicating. It's also crazy that Daddy said he posted his blog yesterday before he saw mine.

It's funny, I thought I was doing a little better. I've been always remembering to ask him if he wants something if I get up when we are watching tv. Sometimes I've even gotten a soda to him before he asks! I've also been trying really hard, when I think of something in my head that I know is just me being obstinate and trying to get a reaction, to stop myself. And I've been leaving him alone as much as possible so he can sleep a whole lot when he's not working.

I know Daddy is tired and hurting. I don't want to make things worse on him.

I guess I do keep forgetting his laundry. I feel like keeping up with three crazy, dirty little boys is never-ending, and then I forget that I have to keep up with Daddy's clothes too. And I get in these phases where I hate cooking. Luckily I am now going back into a "want to cook" phase. And I know I shouldn't be, but I can't seem to help adopting Daddy's work schedule. If he's here in bed, I want to be also! I don't get to feel him beside me at night, and I often stay up late chatting with him online too.

I know all of those are excuses for deficiencies. I can only think that he must be talking about these areas I am lacking in, because I can't figure out what else I am doing wrong. And making Daddy unhappy just makes me miserable.

Sadly, Daddy's one of those guys that projects himself and his feelings. So if he's really down, he could walk into a room full of people and they'd all get depressed, and he wouldn't even have to say anything. His personal aura is that strong!

But it isn't just that, even though I know he's in pain and depressed because of it.

I guess perhaps a lot of it could be emotional too. Maybe that's what he means by saying I am not being submissive. I've thought a lot about myself. It's kind of hard to admit this kind of stuff to people, because it makes me feel like a fraud, saying I desire to be completely submissive and then battling feelings like these... But to be quite honest, I think that the reason I act up more the day after a punishment (and no, I did not realize I did this until Daddy said it) is because I'm trying even harder to get him to give up on me.

"Yeah, he did it, but next time he won't. I can make him mad enough to hate me. I felt way too emotional last night; that's not good for me! I can push him away!"

These aren't exactly conscious thoughts, unless I stop and really really dig into myself.

Plus, I have kids. I know that when you start being stricter with them or lay down new rules, they push back at you for awhile before they accept it. It's crazy and juvenile, but I'm finding myself doing the same thing! Why???

It's just... honestly, inside of myself, it goes like this: He doesn't want the work of being a Dom; he doesn't even be consistent or follow through with his kids half the time! Plus, I'm not worth the kind of effort it takes. And I just can't take down all the walls! I just can't!! I've been alive for almost 32 years, and every time those walls try and come down, I get wounded!

I know Daddy loves me and wants me with him. Something inside just doesn't want to budge. Something inside wants him to prove it to me, again and again, until I can finally stop fighting. But seriously, who wants to keep tilting windmills forever? Besides, this is probably something that has to come more from inside of me, right?

I have to disagree about something, though. "Being emotionally and physically drained isn't something that a Dom should worry about" is silly, Daddy, and you know it! You always tell me that I can't take care of anyone else unless I take care of myself. Why is that different for you? I'd also like to take this little moment to remind you that expressing your dominant side always helps you feel more in control in all areas of your life. But that doesn't mean not listening to your own needs; in fact, I'm sure it means the opposite.

Anyway.

I feel really sad that I've been so disappointing lately. I'm mad at myself that I can't just trust his words and not keep pushing him to prove them. I'm a little discouraged that when we talked, Daddy said he wished I could be more like mouse. Because, while I know she won't agree with this, I think she's really wonderful and I already wished I could be more like her! But I don't know if I ever can.

Am I submissive? I love to please others, am really agreeable, would much rather follow the leader than be one, enjoy serving others, and feel very happy when I am being dominated. But perhaps all of that makes me not a submissive, but only a doormat. Because it doesn't seem that, once it's all boiled down, I can truly let myself go.

All my wires feel exposed

2011-04-19T23:53:00.000-06:00

Today, Daddy reminded me that I haven't been keeping my blog up properly. I know he's right; really I do. There are just so many emotions swirling around inside of me lately that I'm having a hard time digging myself out from under them!

Anxiety for Daddy and his upcoming surgery.

Anxiety about his job, because they are doing some rearranging of contracts out on the base. Luckily his company seems fine, but it still worries me!

I'm worried about my neurologist appointment tomorrow. Such a long drive, for what? They never have any answers for me. I wish I could just up and forget this entire brain-disease-thing!

I'm worried about money, because there never seems to be enough. And I know that Daddy wants to buy our very own house instead of renting, but it's just not possible right now. I'd love it too. I just keep on remembering "Bloom where you've been planted" and even if the soil is rocky and not watered very often, blooming can still be done, right?

I'm scared that I'm not being the best mother and wife I can be. That's heartbreaking for me. Especially with all my friends and their gorgeous brick houses, all nicely decorated and spotless inside. It can make someone like me feel like a failure!!

I'm terrified of where things are going with our relationship. I've made it a point with myself to try to not push his buttons as much as possible; try NOT to be a bad girl. But, either way, I'm feeling ignored. The little girl side of me isn't getting nurtured, and the slave side of me isn't getting any play time either. (During sex every now and then--to a degree.) It's been many weeks since I have been spanked. Not for lack of reasons. I know he's tired and everything. I've just decided to never expect it, and that way: no disappintments. That's not meant to sound harsh on him, it's just the way I deal with stuff.

Maybe we're really supposed to be vanilla. Specially Daddy. Maybe I'm just too complicated, too much work, too exhausting. Whatever it is, regardless of the implements that have been bought, the little asides to each other, everything... the fact remains that he just doesn't enjoy it. Okay, let me rephrase: I think he doesn't enjoy it. Because when that man wants something, he WILL do it/get it/have it.

Anyways, now this has turned kinda sour. Sorry about that. Just really really blue today. Having a hard time shaking it off.

We got a new toy!

2011-04-10T15:08:00.000-06:00

I love getting packages in the mail!

So, I got home on Thursday evening and guess what? There was a little square box sitting on the front porch! Along with some ladies from my church waiting there to visit me! LOL Daddy quickly scooped up the box and took it to the bedroom, but sheesh, it's not like it advertised what was inside. ;) Besides, the thing inside the box is so darn pretty, it could be artwork. And who's to say that one of those women doesn't get fun, exotic packages herself? hehe

Anyways, so we'd ordered something! It's been forEVER since we got a new toy! But I think we are going to try and do more of it lately. I've actually been seeing stuff about the Eden's Fantasy site for awhile, on different blogs, so I figured it's a good place, since lots of people are recommending it. And go figure, they even have a fetish area. hehe

Okay, so anyways, we got this glass dildo. I've never had any dildos before, only vibrators, but I've always wanted to try a glass one. Cuz, well, they look cool, plus you can play with their temperature. I picked the one I got cuz it looks really pretty and girly. But I'm sure you all want to know what happened, not why I picked the thing!

Daddy was actually pretty revved up about trying our new toy, which made me feel good. I wasn't sure how he'd be, since we don't use toys a lot together, but the times we have, it's been very good. So the next morning (cuz the kids were up too late that night), we decided to see what glass would be like.

It was... interesting. I've never had anything so HARD inside of me! Plus, the nubbys that I thought were so pretty on the outside of the thing? Well, not that user friendly on the inside of me! Again, that's cuz I am really sensitive. I kinda wished I'd not listened to my "ooohhh SHINY" reflex and tried smooth glass instead. The one thing that Daddy did was to angle it halfway in and rub my g-spot with it. That made me cum really super hard! I think the glass was good in that respect. But I felt really bruised afterwards.

So does that mean we just need more practice with it? I mean, Daddy can get really rough and fucks me really hard sometimes. But... a penis is hard and soft, ya know?

Well, after he did the whole g-spot thing, he gave it to me and told me to play with myself. Then I found out my favorite part. If you rub something with nubbies sticking out of it up and down between your legs, across your clit, it feels reeeaaaalllly good! So, while I'm not sure if I'd want to stick it back inside, I can totally see myself using it on the outside again.

I still want to try it like I've read about other people doing before: either very cold or warmed up. Does anyone know if glass sticks in your... uh... you know... if it's super cold? That would suck! (visions of an x-rated version of A Christmas Story coming to mind!)

Anyways, I love hearing about anyone's experiences with sex toys, cuz it helps me figure out what I might want to try. So maybe I might have helped someone else. :) Hopefully, though, next time we get one (and I see that happening pretty soon!), I have a more erotic story to tell!

Oh, BUT, I do have to say: last night, I put lotion on Daddy's back and used our new pretty rainbow glass dildo as a massager... hehehe... It worked really great! I guess he can enjoy using it too!

Making my cheeks red in public

2011-04-06T22:37:00.000-06:00

I dragged Daddy to the goodwill store today, because it's getting very warm in these parts lately, and I am trying to find some cute summer dresses. I think women are on hiatus from dresses these days, because I can never find any good ones! Or perhaps the fact that we barely have any stores in this town is what's wrong?
Well, anyhow, I hate paying full price for anything and I love finding good deals at thrift stores.

So, I was in there, looking through all the dresses, and Daddy was just kinda wandering around, browsing. Suddenly, he quietly calls me over. I walk over and he's standing there, holding a pretty stout looking ping pong paddle!

I have to interject here that earlier today, when we were in Wal-greens picking up a prescription, he noticed the brushes in the same manner... but he took this time a [giant] step further...

So he kinda swings the paddle and says things along the lines of "nice weight, "feels good in my hand," and "look how well it swings!" I'm surreptitiously looking around, hoping nobody is noticing us! The crowning feature is that the paddle is still in its original wrapper--never been used.

Then he says "oh, but I guess we have that cheap one out in the garage, so I don't really need to get this one."

Considering that this one was much "thuddier" looking than ours, I whole-heartedly agreed with him!

So he put it back, I finished up looking at stuff, and we went to the check-out line. The lady rang up my 3 or 4 things and it came to just under $20. (Is it just me, or do thrift stores seem to be getting more expensive?? I mean, better price than new, but still.) Well, in our goodwill, for every $20 you spend, you get a stamp on a card, and if you get 10 stamps, you get $20 in free stuff. So I was kinda disappointed.

What does Daddy do? He says, "why don't you go over and get that ping pong paddle we were testing out earlier?" I couldn't help it, I KNOW I turned beet red! I was so shocked that I just stood there staring at him. Which is silly, because why should there be anything that strange about what he said, honestly?

So with me just standing there, he urges, "Go on, go get it."

And in my brilliance, I stammer out, "Why?"

"Because I am pretty sure the one we have got broken," he answers, standing there, all perfectly calm and confident, the only thing remotely different about him being a slight lift of one eyebrow.

With this stupid grin I get when I am embarrassed, I finally turn around, march over, and grab the paddle off the rack. I know how guilty and uncomfortable I look when, as I am walking back, the check-out lady gives me a very knowing look and smile. Holy cow!

I can't even look at her as she rings up the thing and puts it in the bag. And, as Daddy leads me and my red face out to the car, he's calmly, almost delightedly, talking about his new purchase and all the possibilities it holds. (At least he wasn't being loud!)

The moral of the story? Paddles have the power to turn more than one set of cheeks red!!

Sigh. I'll never be able to shop there again!

Random thoughts about our dynamic

2011-04-04T00:16:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about our Daddy/little girl dynamic. What it is, why it is, how it works.

I think that it must be really hard to be a DaddyDom, cuz you have to have all that tenderness and understanding like a Daddy, plus the whole Dom side. Which aren't necessarily not related, but maybe it could be hard one day with your girl wanting you to scrub her hair in a bubble bath and the next day her wanting you to squeeze her nipples and shove your cock in her throat. Just thinking that might be weird! Luckily, Daddy seems okay with it. It's a lot of responsibility to be who he is though.

I'm still trying to figure out myself. It's hard always to act like or do what you want when your first priority, of course, is being a parent. Plus, sometimes I really just want to be more of a little girl and have Daddy take care of or play with me and he's not in the mood to even think about that I might want that. Other times, I don't even know how I feel, and then I'm all crabby. I know that can really get on his nerves.

Lately, I feel like the fact that Daddy is actually becoming stricter about his rules and following through more on them is having a split effect on me. I feel safer and happier and more loved when he does that, but I'm also getting brattier. We talked about it the other night and he said that he expected that because it's just like with kids: when you enforce rules, they push back to see what their boundaries are or if you really mean it. If Daddy felt bad and went easy on me though, I think it would cause a lot of damage to me inside, because I'm slowly getting an even greater feeling of being loved and safe. He told me that, in the end, even though sometimes even I am miserable that I'm feeling so bratty, it's going to be very worth it and I am going to get over it and feel a lot better. I believe him too. It's a lot of pressure on him though, don't you think?

Sometimes, though, I don't really want to tell Daddy everything I am feeling like. Sometimes I worry that being his little girl is really a lot of hassle and work for him and why should he want to take so much time and effort just for me? How am I possibly worth that? (I know it's in my rules not to question like this, but I have such a hard time not doing it sometimes.) Sometimes I wonder if he will get tired of me and all the issues I bring to his table and he'll wish he had a normal, vanilla girl. Or at least one that doesn't want to collect sock monkeys and ought to get spanked every single day for her attitude!

I wonder where these little girl feelings come from, cuz sometimes it feels stronger than others. Then again, I'm really happy I am coming to a deeper understanding of my wants and needs. I've always liked wearing pigtails and heidi-braids. I've always loved ribbons and cute dresses. I've always been slightly naive and girlish. I've often been mad at myself for it, and asked why I can't act more my age and be like other women and wear more stylish clothes or stop wearing pigtails. It's really been something I've beat myself up about in the past. Now, though, I am understanding that we are all different. And even if no other woman at the grocery store wears her hair in braids or pigtails with pretty ribbons... even if I am the only one there whose husband takes her down the toy aisle just to see her face light up when he grabs a new kind of potato-head... and even if, under my cute, colorful dress, I might sporting no panties or a butt plug (lol)... well, who really cares? As long as Daddy never stops loving me and who I am, I guess if other women have a problem, they aren't meant to be my friends, right?

Well, those words look good on paper, but it still is hard at times, when I feel like I stick out. But not as hard as it used to be!

Oops, and, perhaps unlike many wives, this one has a bedtime, and is 13 minutes past it!

"Whose is it. little girl?"

2011-03-29T22:44:00.000-06:00

I came to such an epiphany the other day. I really should have come and written about it sooner, but I was still trying to formulate everything inside. It was right after Daddy had given me quite the spanking on Thursday night. He had to stop before I really wanted him to. I was just tumbling down that wonderful rabbit-hole of emotion that is so hard for me to find, but he saw a few bruises forming, and I love that he watches out for my well-being like that.

Yes, I have been a submissive person all my life. I've also been a people pleaser. I've also learned not to trust, not to give of my inner self; I guess what I mean is that I've made self-preservation quite the art-form. I've had to, I suppose.

What does all the boil down to? Well, I've always wanted to please others, have always tried my hardest to do so. I've also submitted to a lot that I wouldn't have necessarily chosen or done myself. BUT... I realized something: along the way, there's a side of me that has manipulated many of the circumstances I've been in, in order to make it go my way, at least a little bit.

What the heck?! I'm a manipulator?! Geez, that doesn't feel very good to hear. But as I thought about it more, really went deep into my head and thought about it, I realized it wasn't always a bad thing. Sometimes knowing how to subtly handle a situation has meant getting out of something really dangerous. Other times, I admit, it's just been trying to get my way. But either way, it's not a skill that I consciously knew I was exercising, I don't think anyway!

Grrr... I feel like I am not saying what I am thinking in my head!

Okay... giving my submission to Daddy means realizing that I actually do this manipulation thing, and trusting him enough to understand that I don't have to anymore, at least with him. It's a super scary thought. Especially because I've only now realized that this is a roadblock standing in my way. Of all my walls, there are two that are fortresses that have never been breached. One is this self-preservation mode that I have built up strongly around myself. The other is a little room inside, one that only I have ever seen. (Maybe normal people don't visualize and create separate rooms inside their heads, but I'm D.I.D. and it's very natural for me to think in this way.)

Submission, I am learning, is a far deeper thing than just wanting to make people around you happy, or letting other people pick what movie or restaurant you should go to, or even giving yourself to someone else. It's a heart and soul thing. It means every corner of your mind (and yeah, that might take awhile, but that's okay), it means bringing down every defense, or at least giving one person the keys to get through those defenses.

Today, before going to work, Daddy took me quite forcefully. He catalogued my body as he pushed into me: "whose _____ is this?" "yours, Master." Every part of me. Then he put his hand around my throat, very tightly, and reminded me that I am utterly his. Every part of me, including my thoughts, my feelings, the breaths I take, my very life: all of these belong to him. I've given them to him.

This is submission. It isn't to be entered into lightly. It takes more trust than anything I've ever known. I loved that Daddy did that tonight. I guess he could see that I needed it; I've been taking on too much concern lately. It gives me a thrill every time he reminds me that he owns me. This is exactly what I want, even though my inner protectiveness sometimes rears her head and yells at me. She and I will work it out though. She has yet to understand that all of my protections are nothing compared to the huge fortress of safety that Daddy offers.

There is nothing that gives me more peace, more joy, more comfort, than this bubble of trust that I am developing in Daddy: his commitment to me, his love for me, his promise not to back down but to mold me as his little girl... nothing makes me happier than being reminded that he owns me. :)

Interaction time!

2011-03-26T01:32:00.000-06:00

I got something new today. I can think of quite a few interesting things that could be done with/on/over this, but I'd much prefer to hear all of your creative ideas! :)

I put it next to the vacuum for perspective.

I love stools and I love handcrafted-looking items, so apart from the pervertible aspect of this, I just love how it looks! I feel like a little girl when I sit on it, too, because my feet dangle. Can't wait to hear what everyone has to say!!

My submissive needs lately

2011-03-22T00:49:00.000-06:00

(Started out as just a normal kind of post, ended as a letter to Daddy! Oh well!)

We get to sleep with our windows open tonight! I'd totally forgotten how a cool night breeze makes me feel: so comforted, happy, a bit energized, yet also relaxed. Maybe the night breezes here don't compare to those in WA, but I'm really happy that Daddy suggested we open our window tonight!

A lot has been running through my mind today about submission. I'm craving it--like sometimes when I crave chocolate. Maybe it's because it is clearly becoming "that time of month" for me and I am starting to feel a tad out of control.

Daddy, I want so many things from you.

I want you to treat me like your little submissive. Pull my hair, hard, and whisper something dominating in my ear. Order me to my knees for no reason other than that you can do so. Spank me until I'm red and make me stand in the corner where you can see your handiwork while you watch tv. (You know I deserve such treatment after today...) Put my ball gag in, tie me to the bed, cane me, and then leave me there for awhile, so I can think about you. Make me crawl naked behind you everywhere you go, and then lock me in the kennel while you screw around online. Let your Dominant take over, Master; you can even let your sadist out to play. I want the feeling, the knowledge, that I am definitely your sub and that you are in control. Humiliate me, take control of me, use me... please Master?

I also want to know you own me by the way you take care of me. Give your little girl a bath; wash her hair, scrub her body so she's not a dirty little girl any more. Ask for things so that I can run and get them for you and then feel all tingly-happy when you call me 'good girl.' Brush my hair... or turn me over your knee and use that hairbrush on my tender bottom as you lecture me about what a bad girl I am. Then get me undressed and tuck me into bed for the night, kissing me on the forehead before you close the door. Cuddle me, care for me, baby me, treat me like your special little girl... please Daddy?

I know those two hats seem quite different from one another, but it's funny how you manage them both interchangeable, and with such ease. I feel the need to be immersed in my submission to you. Maybe something's going on inside of me that needs this kind of help. I've felt frustrated and angry and overwhelmed and guilty with all this medical stuff of mine that we both have to deal with. Maybe I want some time away from all this responisbility and guilt that I can't help burdening myself with... I don't know, just guessing at this. But maybe concentrating on being your true self, your Dom self and your Daddy self, will help you also: with confidence, with having something else to focus on, with realizing how important & necessary you really are. It may just be the shake-up you need. :)

I love you. I would do anything for you. Just remember that you have a submissive here who loves you as her Daddy and honors you as her Master. That means a lot, doesn't it?

Fisting & Fear

2011-03-15T02:04:00.000-06:00

I've learned something about myself.

I'm not afraid to show fear to Daddy. In fact, I will quite easily cry due to fear around him.

For instance, a while back, he made me hold still while he dug a splinter out of my foot. It hurt really bad, but it was also scary for me to be letting him dig deep into my foot like that. I ended up sobbing really hard, and after he got it out, I clung to him. It felt really good to be that open for once. And my foot got better right away! Yay!

Another example: at the bar the other night, one of the members of one of the bands got really drunk, and is obviously one of those people who totally loses his mind when he's drunk. Everyone was cool and hanging out, and suddenly this guy turns around and starts yelling loudly and violently at all of us! Daddy immediately stepped in front of me and started talking calmly to the guy. (He ended up hugging Daddy and stopped going crazy.) I'm not used to freaked-out drunk guys, and I seriously almost burst into tears as I huddled in the safety of Daddy's shadow. And that isn't the only time I've teared up easily when frightened by something.

So today, Daddy came in the bedroom, laid me down, and told me he was going to push my limits a bit. He wanted to do some more training with fisting. Now, I can take a lot of stuff, but for some reason, fisting scares the hell outta me! (Yes, I have had 3 babies, I know I shouldn't be worried, but... it's different I guess!) It feels like he's pushing apart my pelvic bones, even though I know he isn't--it's just skin; skin that stretches a LOT. It sorta hurts/aches, but it's more my head telling me that I need to freak out. So I do!

He was very calm with me, and slow, and perfect about it, mixing just the right amount of comforting words with dominating smacks. I still almost burst out crying, but I tried really hard not to cuz I didn't want him to think he was making me feel awful. I mean, he made me cum a lot! But I definitely had that trembling-lip-watery-eyes-look!

I can give Daddy my fear. I guess that is a start, right? That I feel safe enough to let him know I am feeling vulnerable?

By the way--with the fisting thing? I like that he pushes my limits. I want him to push my limits, in a ton of ways. Do I like fisting? Well, my mind says no, cuz it's still freaked out. My body said yes, as evidenced by the soaked towel that was under my hips! And the way he had to shove one of my sock-monkeys over my face to stop my screaming as I came!

But... Daddy's comment during it: You're crying? Just like that? But you won't cry at my spankings?

Which is what prompted this blog post.

I hope that I can continue to learn trust and learn how to open myself up to him in all ways. I know how good I feel after being vulnerable and letting a few of my emotions show. I want to be able to show Daddy I can give all of them to him!

Pain doesn't make me cry. I've learned to endure a LOT of that. I think that's okay though. Fear of pain sometimes does. But I don't want to cry because a spanking hurts, necessarily. I want to cry because it makes me vulnerable and needy, or maybe contrite and sorry. Because it opens up a door inside of me and lets me give myself to him.

Sigh... they are my emotions! Why can I not control them and do what I want with them?!

The concert trip

2011-03-13T15:32:00.000-06:00

Back home--with the flu! Yuck! But it was fun and luckily being sick waited to hit me until the ride home.

Daddy, our close friend G, and I had a good drive there, and even got to the place a bit early. It was a very small "venue" that was actually a hookah lounge also! Daddy said you could tell already by the name, but this little butterfly is quite the virgin when it comes to such things as drugs, so I didn't know!

We talked to a lot of pretty cool people as we were all standing around waiting to get into the place. It was really peaceful and nice, nobody being crazy. (Why do I tell you that? Just wait.) Then they let us in, searched us, whatever. I found it funny that they announced no drugs, considering where we were at (I know you can smoke flavored air and such in those big pretty contraptions, but still...), but there really wasn't a whiff of drugs the whole time, which is odd for that type of concert! Also, everyone was really nice to each other and courteous of the performers and everything.

So, two different acts performed--guys trying to make a name for themselves. I learned before-hand that the guy I really wanted to see: Kung Fu Vampire, had to go home from the tour early because he had strep, so that was a real downer. After those guys, they put on just music and the bigger-named dudes started signing autographs at a table. It was way too crowded for someone like me, so I just went to one of the little lounge sections and sat down. Daddy and G did too, but both of them went up at different times (so I wouldn't be left alone) and got pictures with the bands.

Then, the music went silent. We were kinda looking at each other like, What the heck? Then G goes, dude SWAT is here! Daddy told him Shut-up they are not. Then I stood up and looked over the crowd and sure enough: all these dudes in full gear with face masks and armor and everything! More cops than people! They said we all had to get out and, when asked why, it was "too many people in here" from one, "no permit to assemble" from another, and a couple more that I can't remember. (And I just read an update that all of that was untrue, which doesn't surprise me, because law enforcement routinely plans to shut down a few different kinds of concerts, and this was one of them.) I was sorta uncomfortable, just cuz I have a really bad idea of cops. I've never been in trouble with them, but when I've had things happen to me, it's always ended with lots of re-victimization by them and no actual help. So needless to say, I wasn't probably a very good girl as I walked past them. Daddy had my arm and was squeezing it and whispering to me to shut my mouth. I guess the circumstances were just bringing out my bad little girl, but I doubt they even noticed me sticking my nose in the air as I walked by. (I know, I'm such a rebel, right? LOL) Just for fun, G cranked the appropriate NWA song as we drove out.

While we were all getting kicked out, the bands said we should all meet at this bar that was really close. So we went there. We hung out with the two headlining bands and a small group of fans until about midnight. Daddy and I tried real hard to help G get laid, but alas... the waitress he liked was hot and probably used to getting hit on. It was kinda fun watching Daddy flirt with her though. (Not a jealous girl at all.) I wonder if he liked watching me flirt with her? hehe

You know what though? I haven't had anything to drink at all in like, 4 years. I totally forgot how even a little bit helps rid me of my social anxiety. It was really nice to just talk to people and not be scared or worried. I was talking to everyone! Just call me social butterfly--for a night. :)

I got tons of compliments on how I looked too, which rocked!

We stayed at a Days Inn overnight, but I barely got any sleep cuz I was starting to feel icky. Then when we drove home, I was soooo sick. Daddy and G said it was a hangover, and that would have been my first time ever to have one. Even in my younger days, when we used to do shots of Avalanche for our hockey team, I never felt badly the next day! But, then I stayed sick and am still sick today, with a fever and everything. Since the boys just had the flu the beginning of the week--yeah probably the flu.

Oh well though, it was still fun. I was worried when I heard Kung Fu Vampire wasn't there, but it still all worked out! I don't really like the pic that G took of me, but it's the only full-body one I have, so I'll post it for you guys.

Yay for an excuse to be crazy!

2011-03-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

This is kung fu vampire, in case you were wondering!

Tomorrow Daddy is taking me to a concert! Yay! It's an underground rap/rock band called Kung Fu Vampire. I like his music okay. I actually have a very wide range of what I like. I play the violin and love classical music and can identify many major composers just by hearing the style of a piece. I also love Eminem. lol My favorites are probably Staind, Bon Jovi, Hinder--that kinda stuff, but it totally depends on what kind of mood I am in. The only thing I can say I really dislike is country, but even a little bit of that is okay. Actually, Aaron Lewis, of Staind, just made a country cd, and his voice isn't all twangy and I'm really digging on it.

Okay, I tend to ramble! Anyhow, I'm not super excited necessarily because of the bands that are playing, I just love to dress up, whether it's all glamorous or crazy punk-ish. :) There are a few of my other parts (I'd link to the post explaining my DID, for those who haven't read it, but I'm feeling lazy) that don't get to wear what they want very often, and one part of me is really punk/goth. Being a mom, I really don't dress like that much, because people tend to not take you very seriously!

And... I found this pic while I was looking at stuff and liked it, so now you get to see it! :) The pigtails in front are sorta like mine will be. I just love that white outfit!

Soooo... I now have pink streaks in my hair, and the ends are dark blue. (not as noticeable as I'd hoped, but oh well) I'm putting it up in pigtails and teasing them out harajuku style, with strings of tiny beads added in. I'm gonna wear black cut-off shorts and fishnets with boots and this cute plaid little-girl-dress kind of top, with a long black duster-vest-thingy over it all. (I'll get Daddy to take a picture and post it so this all makes sense!)

Maybe I seem inordinately excited, but heck, I'm a mom--I don't DO that much! I know it's going to be a little scary just cuz of all the people there, but as long as Daddy keeps me tightly next to him, it'll be fun!

We had thought of dressing me so our Master/slave relationship is obvious, since a goth-vampire-band-show seems like a pretty good venue for that, but then we realized... apart from being at a club and my being naked, in nipple chains, with a butt plug... how on earth do you dress as an obvious submissive? Maybe we've become too good at hiding it!

Of course, tomorrow is Thursday and we have a little time before beginning the three-hour drive to where the concert is at. Daddy assures me he is keeping a list and I will get my spanking before we leave. Maybe I ought to bring a pillow with us?!

My Thursday spanking, cont.

2011-03-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

I finally gathered up all the nerve in my body and barely whispered "Daddy, I don't want you to stop." I didn't know how he'd react, but he said okay and then asked me what would help me get where I needed to be? Harder, softer, more regular? I'm sure I looked as baffled as I felt!
"I don't know, I'm still new at this!" I said softly. "Maybe more regular?"

"If you think you're new, imagine how I feel," he teased me. But he laid me back over the freezer and started spanking me, alternating his hand and belt. I honestly don't know how long he went on. Sometimes it really hurt, and other times the pain sort of felt like it was carrying me away. But I couldn't quite go with it and always came back to the present. Then I'd start fighting my feelings, because I felt so... like I was starting to open, be super vulnerable, and that's so dangerous in my mind. Daddy could see it, and he never stopped, but he'd say things like, "It's okay little one, stop fighting it and give yourself to me." And then I'd calm down for a bit. I know this is a funny analogy, but my body felt almost like it was fighting to give birth to something. And I was fighting not to let it. Does that even make sense?!
Finally I moaned out that I was sorry, and he asked, for what? And I said for breaking his rules, and I really truly meant it, which is a good thing. He could tell I was serious. But he said he wasn't going to stop spanking me until I said "I've had enough Daddy." And I couldn't bring myself to say it for a few more minutes. It didn't feel right.

When I knew my body had had enough, and that my psyche wasn't ready to give birth to whatever it was struggling with yet, I finally said it. Daddy immediately stopped and grabbed me and held me. I couldn't hold onto him tight enough. I wished I could meld into him just to get closer. My body was all shaky and my mind was blank, but swirling with stuff at the same time. I dropped to my knees and held him around his legs as hard as I could, and it felt right to be there. It made me feel better. Like from very far away, I heard him say "Maybe I finally beat the brattyness out of you, little girl." He said it in such a loving voice that I wanted to cry, but still the tears wouldn't quite come.
We both know that when tears actually come, it will be a huge milestone in the breaking down of my walls.
He pulled me up and spoke softly to me for a bit, but I have no idea now what he said. All I remember was that he held my chin and made me look into his eyes, and that's something that I almost never do because it feels too vulnerable.

Then, because he really is finding out what a sadist he is (heehee), he put my hand on his crotch to show me how hard he was, took me over to where our old mattress is stored (we just got a new bed), laid it down on the floor, and fucked me. (It's never making love afterwards, it's always him fucking me, owning me, reminding me I belong to him; and that's absolutely perfect.)

My butt was red the next day! I couldn't stop going in to the bathroom and taking little peeks in the mirror at it. :) And all of Friday, just sitting down reminded me of my submission, and I'm pretty sure even Daddy would tell you that I was really good that day! I still have some marks today, actually, and I love them. I love looking at them, I love reaching back and seeing if I can feel the welts still. Even Daddy doesn't seem bothered by them, and he used to kinda have a hard time with it. I'm glad he's embracing his Dom; I knew there was one in there. Actually, while we were in the garage, he was standing, admiring his handiwork, and mused that "maybe this would be a good picture for your blog." !!! But he didn't end up going through with it... this time!

Oh, what I didn't anticipate were the feelings afterward. Just like feeling that being on my knees was just right, I would have welcomed a lot more in the way of dominance that night. If he'd told me to sleep in the kennel, I would've been quite happy. If he'd tied me to the bed... or, I don't know what else, I just craved dominance. It was a very intense feeling. Can any other subs explain this to me? He did insert a butt plug for me to sleep in, but it stung really badly--there's only one I have now that doesn't sting and I don't know why my body is suddenly reacting this way.

I only wish I didn't feel so awful, sickness-wise, now. It makes me feel sooo guilty. I actually started a huge fight with Daddy yesterday and it all stemmed from the guilt and sadness I feel from being so fatigued and in pain. I want to show him how happy I am since Thursday and how much I want to be a perfect submissive for him, and then this has to flare up? It's so frustrating.
I'm sorry Daddy. Thank you for being my Dom, thank you for taking the time to punish me. I love you.

My Thursday spanking

2011-03-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

This post is a little over-due. I know that Daddy wants me to post after punishments because it's good feedback for him. Not like we don't talk also, but I'm much better at communicating my feelings via writing than talking. It's been hard to get my thoughts together though, and I think that just has to do with my disease resurging this weekend and giving me too much pain/fatigue to do much of anything.

So, last Thursday, I was getting myself into a really snitty mood. A lot of times, Daddy promises or threatens things that never get done, and Thursday was setting itself up to be more of the same. I don't think he does it intentionally, it's just that there's a lot on his plate. Bring into it the fact that he's ADD, and there are some things that are going to get overlooked. To me, though, being the needy little girl that I am, every time he forgets something he promised me (even if it's something I know I'm not going to enjoy), it's like he's screaming at me "I don't care about you!!" I know that seems silly, and I need to work on that kind of thinking, but it's just really automatic for me.

Anyhow, so it was just after dinner, I think, and I had been working on my bad mood all day, because even though he'd said earlier in the week that we were going to have a discipline session on Thursday, I knew it wouldn't happen. When it didn't happen before school let out... well, that just cemented it for me.

I was lying on the bed when he came into our room. He talked to me for awhile (luckily my Daddy is very patient, because getting feelings out of me can be like pulling teeth), and finally I told him why I was so mad. He said "We still have 5 hours of Thursday left, little girl, and your tantrum isn't helping you out one bit!" Then I started to get worried, because it seemed like a spanking was actually imminent, and I suddenly wasn't sure that I really wanted one!! (Isn't it funny how we can be? lol I'm surprised HoHs aren't more confused by us! Or maybe they are and just aren't letting on!)

It was about 10:00 when I was told to go out to the garage and get into position. He let me get good and anxious too, leaving me in there, bent over the chest freezer, panties down around my thighs, for ~~like an hour~~ probably a little over 5 minutes. When he finally came in, I was standing there wondering what would happen if some random person came into the garage and just started spanking me. LOL (like that would actually happen...)

The first thing he did was set my rules list in front of my face. (If you don't know what my rules are, they're on a little tab up at the top of this post area.) He'd printed out the list and highlighted every rule I'd fallen short on in the past week. There were more yellow lines than there were white. Oops.

He said he understands that I do have to get used to following my rules and that he doesn't expect me to memorize them overnight, but he's pretty sure spanking me for disobedience is a great way to help cement them into my head. (Or at least my butt might remember...) He started off by reading every single rule aloud and then telling me if I'd been obeying it or not. The nots were followed up by a hard swat with his hand.

Then he put on his leather batting glove. (Oh how I loathe that thing!) And proceeded to warm me up quite well with it I thought that might be all, but no, he wasn't done yet. I heard the tell-tale sound of a belt being drawn from its loops (the sound that makes so many of us subs shiver with a certain fearful anticipation) and told me that I'd be getting 28 more... 2 for each rule I'd fallen short on, and that I had to count.

Okay, side-track. Do any of you have to count? I HATE counting! I almost always lose track on a really hard swat. Plus, it doesn't allow me to slip into a more "sub-space" mentality. No, it keeps me right smack in the here-and-now, feeling every ounce of my punishment. Grrr.

Okay, back on track... Since it was too dim in there for me to read them myself, he gave me one swat, read the rule out loud to me, then gave me the second swat. If he felt the rule was one I really needed work on, I had to repeat it back to him.

(I grudgingly have to admit that it was a good strategy to focus my attention on where I was falling short. But shh, let's not tell Daddy, okay? *wink*)

After the last rule, he pulled me up and held me--my favorite part--but something wasn't quite right...

Orgasm denial

2011-03-03T21:58:00.001-07:00

I have noticed quite a few blogs as of late talking about this subject. Mostly different subs. Somehow, it rubs me the wrong way. (No pun intended, heehee!)

I love that Daddy has begun orgasm training on me, but I honestly have no doubt that it would make me resentful and uncomfortable if he started inhibiting me from having them at all. Yes, I delight in the fact that he's teaching me that my body, mind, and very self are all his to control. Does that mean that he should deny pleasure to his toy? Does that mean that he shouldn't use her to her fullest potential?

I guess there is the theory that denial for a long time makes it stronger when it happens, makes the sub feel more indebted or thankful for him finally letting it happen. I know that, for me, it doesn't work that way. The less I have occassion to be sexual and, yes, for sure the less I come, the less I am interested in it. But, the more I am reminded of my sexuality and am pushed to heights of pleasure, the more I am needy for the feelings, the more I daydream about him, the more I desire him. I suppose for everyone it is different, but to me, denial just seems so... counter-intuitive.

There's also another thing: physically, it hurts. Men talk about how if they can't come, they have what's termed "blue balls", right? Why do they think it's any different for us? When we have sex, and I get right to the edge and don't make it, I get really cranky. It doesn't make me want him more, it makes me have a bad day! I don't feel that's selfish; it's a perfectly normal physical reaction telling my body what it needs. (No, I don't require coming every time or anything, I don't mean to imply that.)

Oh, but back to the whole blue-balls thing. We're engorged with blood, needy, swollen. And you just stop? Where is all that supposed to go? Well, yeah, it'll dissipate eventually, but it will be painful until then. And do it enough times? There's gonna be repurcussions. I learned this the hard way when Daddy was in the hospital. I was super worried and not feeling horny during that time at all. And, of course, I'm not supposed to touch myself without permission... which is a rule I try to follow. But I think he would've understood at that time. Still, why would I want to, considering all that was happening? Well, after a few weeks, I developed mysterious, extremely painful swelling right around my clit. I could barely walk! My sister said it was because I was used to coming regularly and now my body was rebelling. Well, I don't know if that's true or not, but I also recalled back to a bunch of conversations I'd had with a friend whose husband is incredibly selfish and never tries to get her off. She said she was in so much pain once that finally she went to the doctor and the doctor had to get out some of the fluid built up inside her tissues. (I didn't ask how! Maybe just an anti-swelling med, though, I don't know...) So, finally, and quite painfully, I took a time out and made myself orgasm. Problem fixed. No more pain. Ooooh thank goodness, such relief!!

If that happened just from lack of what my body thought was regular, how much worse would it be if Daddy was teasing me with denial? Ugh, I shudder to think!

I don't want to sound like I am questioning anyone's Master. I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular as I write this--just the fact that I've read a bunch of stuff about it recently. Whatever other Masters and their subs do is up to them, of course, just like Daddy and me. I don't know, perhaps I feel a bit like it's unfair to any sub. My sister and I have done a lot of research about the female body and its reactions, and it just doesn't seem like a good idea, physically or psychologically. Again, totally my opinion, and all that, no negative against anyone, truly. I just felt like putting in my two-cents-worth today.

I need to ask her about some of the articles she's found about the subject. I'll see what I can do. (Oh plus, I minored in human sexuality in college, so, while that certainly doesn't give me any more authority on the subject, I'm just telling you so, idk... I really have studied this, not just talking all selfishly or something!)

Edit: Here is one article that she found for me: Orgasms are Good for You! hehe I know there were others, but this is a really fun article! Go read it. :)

Help out your friendly neighborhood butterfly!

2011-03-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

Hmph! Am I bratty?? Seriously, I mean, look at this sweet, innocent face... *bats eyes*... does this look like a bratty sub to you?!

I mean, yeah okay, there are a few language issues. Well, actually, sometimes I do think about what I'm going to say and then I say it anyway. But, ya know, it's all that cursing in the rap music he listens to! Plus, he was a sailor for, like, a decade! I'm sure it isn't that I'm purposely trying to push his buttons!

And for Daddy to write a blog asking others for advice on what to do about me? Terribly unfair!

So here's what I want all of my wonderful, loyal, loving readers to do: Go to Daddy's blog and comment and tell him how much of a dedicated, obedient, sweet, wonderful sub I am!

Yeah, that should definitely do the trick. Nobody wants to see me get my sensitive bottom totally blistered this week, do they?!

I know I can count on you guys!! (And I even gave you a nice pic, in case you're the type to accept bribes!)

My 100th post!

2011-02-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

She quietly eased open the door and let herself into their bedroom. It was cool, dark, and quiet in there, thanks to the black-out curtains and a small table fan. She marveled at how calm and peaceful their bedroom felt, considering the chaos of a household and children just outside the door.

She glanced at the clock on the dresser: 5 pm. Master had been asleep for most of the day, so he shouldn't be upset with her if she curled up beside him for a few minutes. Sometimes it felt so frustrating to have him work nights, knowing that he was in the house all day, but had to sleep. Even after being with him for so many years, she still longed to spend every possible moment with him.

Carefully, she crawled onto the bed, lying down next to his still form and curling onto her side against him. His arm immediately went around her, pulling her tightly to his side. A small sigh of contentment escaped her as she snuggled into his comforting warmth.

It wasn't long before the soft, comfortable feeling in the room began to shift. His hands started caressing her stomach, then found their way upwards to her full breasts. His touch was light at first, barely brushing her, making her nipples tingle beneath her clothes. Soon, though, his fingers found the stiffening peaks through the fabric and began to pinch them roughly. She squealed, instinctively grinding her hips back against him.

"Quiet," he ordered in a low voice.

"Yes, Sir." Her pussy got wetter just from this small exchange. The casual, easy way he dominated her almost never failed to have this effect, even when he was punishing her.

He slipped his hand under her shirt, pulled aside her bra. She stifled her moans as best she could as his experienced fingers went to work, twisting and pinching, making her breathless with painful pleasure.

Finally she could stand it no longer. "Ooooh, fuck me!" she demanded.

His fingers stopped. "I'm sorry, little one, what was that?"

"Please, Sir, please fuck me!' she quickly amended. "Pleeeaassse???"

She heard him chuckle. "Did you lock the door? And how do you expect me to fuck you with all those clothes on?"

She was off the bed in a flash, locking the door, stripping, and slipping under the covers beside him in record time.

"Put your hands above your head, where they belong," he instructed. Obediently, she reached upwards, wrapping her fingers into the ironwork of the headboard.

His mouth went to her breasts and his hand went down, shoving her thighs wide apart. She shuddered as his fingers tenderly traced her nether lips, while, in contrast, his teeth grazed her sore, erect nipples. It seemed he was just checking how wet she was, though, because his hand came back up and he began roughly kneading one swollen breast as his mouth and teeth worked over the other one.

Back and forth, fingers, teeth... she arched, pushing up into his touch, whimpering in pain, begging for more. Just as she began to slide away from the pain of his teeth, he brought her back to Earth with a sharp slap across the very end of her tit. Another. He followed with swats to her pussy. She moaned and spread her legs wider.

His fingers found her clit and softly, expertly began to rub it. She started trembling, then began to fight against his touch, trying to close her legs and roll away at the intensity of her arousal. He wasn't fazed. His fingers never let up as his leg came over hers, pulling one of her legs underneath him, re-exposing her throbbing pussy to his touch. He tweaked her nipple again, as hard as he'd ever done it, and she tried to lie still under him.

Slowly, gradually, she let go, giving her arousal to her Master. The overly-intense feeling faded and a deep sense of desire replaced it. "Please may I come Sir?" she moaned softly.

His touch softened, and he began stroking her pussy instead of her clit. "No, you may not."

She let out a moan of frustration.

"Whose pussy is this, little girl?" he murmured.

"Yours, Master."

"And whose climax is it?"

Again, "yours, Master."

"So who gets to decide when this body comes?"

"You do, Sir."

"Good girl."

His fingers found her clit again, pinched it, then eased inside of her. It wasn't long before he had her pleading to come again, this time with much more conviction. She was denied.

Over the next fifteen minutes, she begged him to give her release numerous times, each time with more desperation. Once she was even obliged to warn him that she was about to come, whether he wanted it or not. His touch ceased altogether, and instead he gently cupped her soaking mound.

"No you won't," he said confidently. "You'll wait."

She moaned in frustration. "I don't like waiting," she pouted.

"But you will, won't you?" His complete self-assurance might have irked her at another time, but right now she was entirely too worked up to feel any other emotion besides pure lust.

Just about the millionth time she begged him to let her come (not like she was counting or anything...), he moved on top of her and easily slipped inside. Her legs went up and around his waist, gripping him tightly as he fucked her hard. His cock felt sooo good... her orgasm shifted with the new stimulation and began growing again.

And suddenly he released her. "Come now, baby girl!" he ordered. She felt him go rigid with his own climax and then her body took over.

She completely lost herself; her body beginning to spasm beneath his. She felt him pull out while she was still climbing the intense mountain he'd built for her, and she reached for him blindly. Then his hands were on her again, rubbing her quivering pussy, pushing every single button she had, drawing her climax out, no, ripping it from her. Every time she started to come to a trembling finish, his touch would change and her body would respond immediately, pulsing back up in another wave of pleasure. He was like a scientist, fiddling with her knobs and buttons, intensely interested in how to make her respond in exactly the way he desired.

She could hardly breathe, the pleasure was so excruciatingly intense. Just at the point where she thought she might black out from either hyperventilation or over-stimulation, he wound her body down. Gently he caressed her spent flesh for a few moments, letting her come to terms with reality again.

Then he stood and pulled on a robe. "You have a few minutes, then you need to come out and make dinner." With that, he left the room.

Somehow, his casual authority, his air of Dominance, juxtaposed so acutely with her total loss of control, helped her feel at ease with the vulnerability she had just displayed.

True story. *grin*

Being owned = Freedom

2011-02-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

You'd think after being with someone for 13 years, it wouldn't be that hard to be open with yourself, right? Sometimes I feel like I have so far to go! It's very good for me that I have a husband that is willing to work on it with me though... and patiently pry information out of me, and listen to my silly problems with an interested look on his face. :) He really will make a great psychologist!

I don't understand why I have such a blockage inside.

Okay, well, maybe I kind of understand, considering all that's happened in my life. But even when I consciously tell myself: open up, talk, SAY IT!, often I still am physically unable to speak. My mind just refuses to let go.

Obviously I would make a great mason right? 'Cuz I build super strong walls!

It makes our lifestyle that much more important.

Because: I belong to Daddy.

I belong to Daddy and that means that my thoughts and feelings belong to him. It means that everything inside of me is his, to sift through, talk about, or do whatever he wants with. It means that with-holding myself from him is not only not allowed, it shouldn't even be possible.

I belong to Daddy and that means I am free. I can give up the crushing burden of my fears and pain and sadness and the little fortress I keep in my head that nobody has ever been inside.

Okay, yeah, it's gonna take a lot of time and work for that to happen, but it actually can happen! That thought is exciting and terrifying at the same time!

Can I actually do something like that? Could I be a completely open book to another person, and risk that level of vulnerability? Maybe for some people it seems really easy, but I can honestly say that, for me, it's the scariest thing imaginable.

Right now, Daddy definitely knows more about me than anyone else on the planet, followed by my sister and then my mom. But I still have a hard time looking vulnerable to him. I rarely let myself cry in front of him. It's not a conscious decision, it's that damn blockage in there! I don't even cry when he punishes me, even at times when I really really need it!

Today, I actually did open up to him. What was bothering me was really dumb, in my opinion. Well, actually, what was bothering me even more than what was bothering me was the fact that I was angry at him over what was bothering me. (Did you follow that?!) I guess I really don't like feeling sulky and angry with him! But the only way it happened was when he reminded me that I am not permitted, by my rules, to hide my thoughts and feelings from him. When he reminded me that he owns me, body and mind, I just started crying and everything was able to come out. Maybe it wouldn't have been so easy if it were something a lot bigger, but I can see us working there through a lot of training, you know? Because the more he demonstrates how fully he owns me, the easier it gets to give everything over to him... where, miraculously, it all gets dealt with!

On another note, I have learned the same thing about my body. I can have a really hard time climaxing because I totally over-think it. I feel like I don't want him to keep having to "work on" me and wasting all his time trying to make me cum because it's probably boring the heck out of him... yada yada. So I try super hard to get there and it suddenly becomes this huge responsibility on me. How much fun is that? But you know what? It's his body, isn't it? And if it's his, he probably enjoys playing with it, making it respond to him, controlling how it feels and acts. I'm not allowed to take that away from him. I am his, and it's not my responsibility to try and control all of that. If I am supposed to come, he'll order my body to do so. Because my orgasms are for his pleasure, not mine.

Okay, totally counter-intuitive, right? But, when it becomes about Daddy and not about me (and even people-pleasing is ultimately about me, isn't it?), suddenly it isn't hard at all. It's really great!

I guess for those of us who are... what? Born to be slave to at least one perfect-for-us Master out there? I guess for us, being owned is about the most enabling process we could ever experience!

(PS--I've only erased and rewritten this, how many times? I guess I'm still trying to work it all out in my head, so hopefully it's not as hard to read and understand as I feel like it is! The concept is, I feel, super important to our relationship, and so I really wanted to write about it!)

MY picks for spanking pics otd

2011-02-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

I feel really bad that I haven't been keeping up my blog recently. It's been at least a week, I know. Suddenly I have just been on this major "anti-computer" kick. I mean, I've barely even gotten on facebook! I must be sick! ;p I've still managed to come and read quite a few blogs, though. But it feels like I'm having a hard time engaging my brain into drive mode, so writing has been a no-go. Kind of frustrating, actually.

So, since I have quite a few of them, maybe I'll find a couple of my favorite "subject-appropriate" pics and post them. At least then maybe I'll feel less guilty for neglecting my duties!

This one intrigues me, almost to the point of writing a story about it.

And this is one that Daddy likes. For some reason, making handprints on my ass is a really big turn-on for him, so I guess he enjoys seeing other guys succeed at it too...

On another note, I think I've been being a VERY good girl lately, because I haven't been spanked in quite awhile. :) Right, Daddy? *insert innocent-little-angel smiley-face here*

Bitch

2011-02-14T23:15:00.000-07:00

He stared at her flashing, angry eyes and the unattractive snarl that graced her lips. The sharp words she was throwing at him, the bad attitude she was exuding from every pore… this was unacceptable behavior and she knew it. He could have gotten angry, sent harsh words back at her; heck, this would be the start of a good ol’ knock-down, drag-out fight in most relationships. But not theirs.

Instead of getting angry, he got very quiet. Only his eyes betrayed his annoyance. She saw the way his jaw hardened, his body settling into itself with a kind of determined reserve, and her words dried up as she took a slight step backwards.

“If you’re going to act like a bitch, you’ll get treated like one.” His voice was quite calm, almost soft.

Her eyes clouded with confusion, but he didn’t give her time to decipher his meaning. Instead, he took her wrist in his iron grip and strode to their room, his body a shield, pressing her ahead of him. At the foot of their bed, he halted and stared down at her.

“Strip.”

Her eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed a little as she fought to get the control back.

“I will not…” she began, but was cut off as he abruptly spun her towards the bed, sat down, and somehow had her over his knee. Five quick, firm slaps against her backside had her squirming against him, yelling for all she was worth. He almost smiled, watching her senseless struggle against his authority; they both knew how this would turn out.

Another five spanks, harder than the last, calmed her down just a touch.

“Are you ready to do as I say now?” he asked evenly.

“Why do you want me to take my clothes off anyway?” Her voice came out as a whine.

Instead of answering, he easily peeled back the loose sweats she was wearing, dragging her panties down too. If there was something he hated more than a snotty attitude, it was the whiny voice that signified her too-obvious bid to talk herself out of trouble.

This time, his hand rained down on her ass hard and fast, not letting up until he felt her body relax across his knees and heard sniffles coming from under the long hair that draped down to hide her face.

He ran his palm gently over her warm, pleasantly red skin. “Will you obey me now, little one?”

A very quiet, damp “Yes, Sir” drifted up to him.

He helped her off his lap, gazing at her as she stood there, her pants at her ankles, panties down around her thighs, tears and snot running down her face, and wondered how he could ever love someone more than he loved her. Which, of course, meant that he had to stick to the punishment he’d decided upon.

“I want you completely naked,” he instructed as he rose from the bed and went to his closet on the far side of the room.

He found what he wanted and returned to her side. Her clothing was a pile at her feet; the only thing she still wore was her everyday collar. He moved behind her, pushing her hair out of the way and unfastening her collar. Not understanding his intent, she started to turn around, a cry of denial ready to jump from her throat, but a sharp warning slap on one bright red buttock stopped her in her tracks.

“Trust me, little one,” he murmured, slipping a wide leather collar around her neck. He buckled it snugly and then turned her around to face him, threading one finger through the collar’s o-ring and pulling her face close to his.

“If you’re going to act like a bitch, you’ll get treated like one,” he repeated. He let her go. “Down on your hands and knees, little bitch.”

She looked at him for a moment, seemed to see the steely resolve in his eyes, and dropped to the floor. He picked something off the bed, then moved so that he was behind her again. What was that? she wondered frantically. A cane? Belt? She wasn’t prepared for him to kneel behind her and spit. She groaned inwardly as she felt wetness slide down the cleft of her ass. The groan became audible when his fingers caught the liquid and began working it into her tight hole. She started to squirm.

He smacked her bottom, right on the sit-spot, making her jump. “Hold still,” he directed. One finger became two, then three, pushing and stretching her out. Suddenly, something cold and hard was pressed against her. He pushed the butt plug in and she felt herself close around it right before she felt something else brush her thigh. What the…?

There was no time to wonder. “Look behind you, little doggy,” he stated. Obediently, she turned to look back at him, and got an eyeful of their full length mirror instead, where her ass, complete with long, black tail, was on display.

“Come,” he ordered, walking towards the bedroom door. He didn’t even look back to see if she was following. Resolutely, she crawled after her Master.

He stopped in the living room, right next to the large crate where their Retriever slept at night. He opened the metal gate, bent, and pulled the doggy bed out, replacing it with the soft blanket she usually kept on the sofa for when it was cold. He motioned with his hand. “In.”

He sounded just like he did when he ordered the dog around! Her cheeks reddened to match her ass, and, for a moment, she couldn’t even look up at him.

“Please, Sir…” she murmured.

“Now, little bitch,” he said, his tone softening just a little, just enough to remind her that he knew what was best for her, that he would never let her get away with anything she shouldn’t be doing.

She crawled into the crate, pushing the blanket around to make a soft spot for her to cuddle into. He bent down, setting her sock monkey inside with her.

“Good girl,” he praised, kissing the top of her head. Then he shut and latched the door and sat down on the nearby sofa to watch television.

With a sigh, she curled up on the blanket, sock monkey in her arms. Her ass throbbed, and felt very full with his humiliating plug in it. But her self-importance and spiteful attitude had totally dissipated, leaving behind a soft, relaxed little sub in their place. Exactly what Master had intended, of course.

The day between

2011-02-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

Today is the day "in between." Yesterday was our 12th wedding anniversary. Tomorrow will be the 13th Valentine's Day that we have spent together.

Our first one was very memorable. Hopefully I've never told the story on here; I don't think that I have...

Coors Field

We had just gone on our first date on the 11th of February, but we connected right away. (Especially him. He still holds to this day that he knew immediately that I was meant for him!) Well, as two young 18-yr-olds, we didn't have much money, but don't those times often bring about more poignant memories anyhow? :) We walked along the 16th steet mall in Denver and saw all the well-dressed people in the fancy restaurants having their Valentine's dinners. I wasn't jealous or anything; I was quite content to be where I was with who I was. Eventually we got to a Subway and picked up sanwiches and drinks. We took them to Grand Central Station and sat on one of the big wooden benches, eating, talking, and people watching. I find something intensely romantic about train stations, and this one (at least to me) is so beautiful and majestic... and old, which is awesome! After we finished eating, and sitting on the bench, watching people, we went to his work. He worked as a security guard for the Rockies at that time! I got a tour of the entire place... got to use the bats in the underground batting cage, got to walk through the manager's office (he has a shower right off his office!), and even got to step out on the field! We ended the tour in the lower press box, which we proceeded to uh... christen. heehee It was awesome.

Waterfall outside the restaurant

Well, this year we celebrated our anniversary by having someone else watch our kids. It's only the third time since we've had them that we've been all alone for an entire night! We drove about 2 hours to an *actual* city (our town is really small) and went to this amazing steakhouse. Seriously, the food was.... delicious isn't even good enough to describe it. We got the special Valentine's dinner for two that was $125 and worth every single penny. It was the most we've ever paid for a meal, especially with the tip we left! But it was so much fun and we are both so happy that we went there. For dessert, the waiter made bananas foster right there by our table. Very yummy! Daddy got me a Kindle for our anniversary and he got new Oakleys. (All of this thanks to tax return--lol.)

It's fun to celebrate our relationship! We are both so incredibly lucky to have each other, to be with the exact right person. Especially with this dynamic that we've embraced in the last few years. It's not always easy, of course, but it changed two people that are so obviously supposed to be together into two people who will always be deeply in love and committed, no matter what. (I know, I'm totally not one to be all romantic and idealistic, but sometimes when I think of Daddy, I tend to revert to my little girly dreaminess.)

I don't care if people say that Valentine's Day is just hype and commercialism, etc etc. It's a day of hope, friendship. and love, and the world needs more of that. And it will always be entwined with my anniversary, so that makes it super special. Besides, everyone needs another excuse to get flowers! :)

One day with new rules & already a red backside!

2011-02-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

I now have actual, written-down rules. Daddy looked at a bunch of your blogs, at least the ones that have a "my rules" type section, and used those as guidelines to help him come up with a list for me. (It's not like he didn't have his own ideas of what he wanted, but I think he wanted a broader spectrum so he was less likely to miss anything.) So... I guess I should say thank you to all your lovely HoH's for helping him out! LOL

Actually though, it helps. I like lists... when I have to do something, I always make lists about what I need to to, steps to do each thing, etc. And yes, if you must know, I have actually put "make list" at the top of my list and then crossed it off when I've finished making the list! I understand that I am OCD!

It's nice to see his expectations, on paper and there for me to read and re-read whenever I want/need to.

Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be easy for me to comply with everything right off the bat. But I truly am trying.

Sadly, I already got myself spanked today. He was lecturing me as I lay on the bed (not knowing that I was going to be spanked yet) and then he got up and told me, stay there, I'll be right back. Well, I looked after him and saw, lying on the bed next to me, his belt. And from that time until he came back in (only a minute or so, but it felt longer), I felt like a small child, saying in my head over and over "NO, I don't want a spanking!"

It was fairly short. He said he understands that I have to get used to the new rules. But, even though it's still new, I'm very glad that he followed through. It made me feel... loved, and gave me a sense of stability.

Plus it helped ground me a little because I'm having a terrible day. It's gotta be that time of the month, cuz I am just PISSED OFF for no good reason. Taking it out on Daddy gives me a sore bottom, for no good reason! Still, I think that, if he hadn't done it at 2:00 when he did, probably my day would have ended in my being completely off the deep end, crying my eyes out, screaming at people, with a splitting headache. I was moody enough as it was the rest of the day, but it should have been so much worse!

I think that ttwd is a very good remedy for pms! I'll probably need quite a few more doses, but it's nice to have something that helps!

Why am I bratty?

2011-02-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

My last post made me start thinking. Why do I push Daddy's boundaries? Why, when I know that I am happy being submissive, and when I crave his leadership, dominance, and especially his approval... why do I act out?

So far, I've come up with this:

Reassurance. Maybe because we are still in relatively early stages of our DD, but I think also because of my past... I need reassurance that he is truly what I need him to be. That sort of sounds like questioning him and his role, but that's not what it is. I need to know that he really can keep me safe, even from myself. That he really does want to use his time and energy in helping me become better; that I'm really worth that time and energy! That he really is in tune with me enough to see what I need, and wants to provide that.

Trust. Is that the right word? I've been a master of running away my whole life. Daddy can tell you that I've tried to do it a few times with him. So far, he's never let me. We've been with each other for about 13 years now, actually. But still, I test that commitment, I suppose. Can I do anything that will make him love me less? Does he care enough to want to keep me around and work on the things that need work? Can I trust his love? Maybe that doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but my own life has taught me that most people don't love you without strings attached, even those people that should love you the most.

The little girl in me! I think that children test their boundaries for many of the reasons I've already described. They crave stability, unconditional love, and a caring touch. I know not all DD'ers have the same dynamic as we do, but I definitely have a little girl inside that needs Daddy's love. If that's because of my childhood, so be it. But now, I have that Daddy that I've needed all along, and it thrills me when he shows it! Maybe that will wane in time, but for now, whenever he's totally being my Daddy, it makes me feel all tingly and warm and happy. :)

Or, perhaps I'm just not getting enough discipline. Maybe I over-analyze too much and really all it is is that I'm a total brat and Daddy needs to be way stricter! I don't know!

Any thoughts from other subs out there? Do you ever push your limits? Why do you think you do that? Doms too; your insight would be awesome. :)

Confessions

2011-01-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

I've learned something. Getting away with something isn't very much fun. At least, not when it has to do with your Dom. When you think you've gotten something over on him, it just sort of sits there, eating away at you. I'm pretty sure he'll count that as a good thing. Actually, I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten away with as much as I feel like I have. He has an uncanny way of knowing more than he lets on. But somehow, even that knowledge doesn't stop me from feeling bad.

The other night, I was really upset. To tell the truth, I'm having a hard time remembering why. But I know that, whatever it was (while obviously not being a good enough reason to even remember), it was really bugging me. I was mad and sad and pouty... and it was all directed at Daddy. I know there was a good reason why I wasn't talking to him about it. Well, I'm sure it felt like a good reason--haha. Probably because I felt like he wasn't caring about whatever-the-reason-I-was-mad.

So, somehow it made perfect sense that I would leave and go do an errand that needed to be done. That may not seem like such a big deal, but it was. Because it was dark. Number one, if I'm going to go somewhere, Daddy needs to know about it, because he likes to know where I am and what I'm doing. Number two, I'm not supposed to drive at night. I can't see in the dark, at all. So what I did was really dangerous. He noticed I was missing and tried to text me, then call me, and I ignored both.

Needless to say, when I got home, I was in big trouble. After a very angry lecture, I was told to write 150 times: I won't leave the house without telling Daddy. But I was still kind of angry, and I've never in my life had to write sentences before, so, all on my own, I came up with the idea of fudging the numbers. (Yeah, I was little miss goody-two-shoes as a kid, so I'm sure everyone else has already tried that!) I don't know exactly how many of the sentences I skipped, but I did manage to crank out two pages, front and back. I think they might have been wide-ruled though... Actually, by the time I was done, I wasn't so angry any more, and was already feeling bad about skipping numbers, and sort of hoping that Daddy would catch it. But he just took my papers, tore them up, and threw them away. Then he gave me another short lecture.

Of course, then I felt even worse because he didn't even check, so he must trust me, right? Which made me feel about 2 inches tall. And I think I may have said something that made him slightly suspicious, but he let it go. Only I haven't been able to let it go yet! It's just sitting there, eating away at me! Firstly because of what I did to deserve the punishment, and secondly for not doing it properly, and getting away with that!

So... I don't even know where I'm going with this, but, that's my confession.

What do you mean No?!

2011-01-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

I got to experience something I've never done before. Wait... something that's never been done to me before. Since, ya know, I really wasn't in charge.

Daddy is usually of the mindset that my orgasming is a great thing and he should always encourage it. Thus, whenever I ask him "May I come now Sir?"... or actually it's more like this: "Pleeeaaaasssee Daddy, can I come?!?!"... he always gives permission.

This time, however (apparently reading our book Domestic Discipline, by Jules Markham, is giving him interesting new ideas), he decided to try something new.

He had me lie on my back, hands clasped over my head. Then he proceeded to rub on me, kiss on me, caress me... basically thrill me to death that he was making such a fuss over me. His only caveat was that my hands stay where he'd put them.

I sorta felt it start to tingle, figured I'd better ask...

No.

I actually brought my hands down in order to prop myself up and stare at him in amazement.

"What?!"

Firmly pushing me back and replacing my hands in their proper spot, he looked down at me with that "Dom-ly" glint in his eye. (You subs know what I'm talking about here!)

"I said No. You heard me." Then he said something about reading something...

I cursed myself for buying that stupid book.

Then I forgot to be upset because he was touching me again. And, somehow, his denial had sparked quite a little flame inside. It wasn't long before... No.

I moaned in agony and frustration. He actually laughed! That soft chuckle that says, Oh I'm definitely enjoying this.

The third time, I was sure he'd totally give in. I mean, this was his first time doing it... he hates to make me suffer... I was positive I knew my Daddy well enough to know he'd say...

No.

Aaarrgghh!

But with every denial, I got hotter, wetter. He brought one of my hands down to touch myself. "See how swollen your poor pussy is, little one?" And yes, I did try to get a little rub in, because at that point, I wanted to come SOOOO BAD! He just laughed at me and put my hand back above my head.

I don't even know how many times I was denied. I do know that, by the time he said yes, I was more ready than I have ever been in my life.

I hated it. I loved it!

Having Daddy be in charge of my orgasm was somehow... extremely liberating.

Sometimes coming is kind of elusive for me. But I want to really badly; for me, but also to please him. (I realize that sounds kind of funny.) I mean, I love the feeling, but also, men sometimes take your climax as a sign they are doing well. Sex feels wonderful. Being fucked raw feels amazing. Being made love to is beautiful. As a woman, I revel in the story as much as the denouement. Yes, I definitely love to orgasm too! But it's as much about him as it is me.

Great, now I probably just sounded like women don't care about coming. Sigh.

ANYWAYS, the point that was completely lost in the mud was this: having Daddy take control of my orgasm meant that it was no longer my responsibility to try to get there. I wasn't in charge of pleasing me, nor of pleasing him. Which meant that I quite easily came--super hard. Wow, he's good! ;p

Not only that, but the dominance of denying me, of making me wait until it was his will and not mine... that gave me quite the wonderful, "subbie" feeling that I crave so much. Suddenly I wasn't even allowed to experience something natural to me, something that he was coaxing out of me; not until it was his will.

Afterwards, he commented about it probably not being the D/s that I wanted, but he hoped I enjoyed it at least a little.

Oh Daddy, being dominant is not just about forceful play. It isn't just about spanking. It isn't just about teaching your sub and guiding her into being a better person. Showing your butterfly that you have the ability and desire to completely take over any area of her life that you choose to command brings her peace. Proving that you know how to take her to unfamiliar places builds trust in her heart. Proving that you want to take your time and explore with her, teach her, correct her, love her... that brings her immense joy.

You might not see yourself as being very well-versed in how to be a "good Dom" but you are doing an excellent job. Thank you Daddy!

Treatment for insomnia that the dr won't prescribe!

2011-01-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am a crazy insomniac. I've been that way for years. It comes and goes, but lately, it seems like it's come to stay. Right now I am trying to just take natural stuff to help me sleep, like melatonin, but it only helps maybe half the time. Probably need to go get more Ambien. I don't know what it is exactly, but perhaps I'm just getting more and more tense as some of my health issues get worse?

Anyhow, Daddy has stumbled upon a great way to help me sleep...

It seems that when in total submissive mode, I have no problem relaxing my body, letting my brain let go of all worry and responsibility, and curling up in Daddy's arms to quietly sleep. :) Not surprised, are you?

Of course, the other benefit is that he gets to hone and perfect his Dominant abilities.

Oh yeah, and we manage to have really hot sex! heehee

I'm sure there will be other ways that he figures out to help me relax. I often fall asleep after a really intense spanking session, for instance.

But somehow, the pinching, twisting, nipping, biting, slapping, thrusting, intense breath play, and constant reminders that Daddy is the only one in charge of his little fuck-slut are working pretty darn well. :)

Nah, he doesn't do it every night. Four nights a week, he goes to work before I can go to bed. (Anyways, every night could possibly be over-kill!) But it's amazing that, not only is he helping me to relax, we can also see a strengthening in our bond as he practices being dominant and becomes more confident with it--and helps me get a more regular reminder of my submission, which is definitely my happy place!, plus a boost in his confidence with life in general. And did I mention that we get to have really hot sex? ;)

Oh yeah, and I have a very nice hickey on my neck, not far below my right earlobe, just in time for church tomorrow! (oops...lol)

Anyone else do multiple blogs???

2011-01-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

Aaargh, Blogger is seriously giving me a headache!!

I have another blog. It's vanilla. I've decided that I should start writing in it again. Just random thoughts and such. So I updated it today. I use an entirely separate email address/log-in and my two blogs are not linked or anything.

Now, when I signed into this blog, I noticed that my little icon on pages (where I'm listed as a follower) is disabled. No pic and instead of 'little_butterfly' it just gives my email. What the heck? When I click on it and say "connect with blogger", it pulls up my other blogger profile!! If I click on the option to edit profile, though, it brings up my little_butterfly profile.

Like I said, AAAARGH!!!

Finally, I just updated the google page it goes to when you click on the icon with a pic and a link, but it seems like I shouldn't have to do that. What happens when Daddy signs into his blog?? I mean, I even x'ed out of IE altogether, signed off anything I could think of, and then opened IE again, and still it's all confused.

Does anybody do more than one blog with blogger and have any idea what is going on? For obvious reasons, I want to keep this blog and that one totally separate. (Can imagine my mother's face... yikes!) Are there any easier ways to be doing these multiple blogs?

**EDIT** Well, I just commented on someone else's blog, and it had no problem pulling up my blogger name/profile. So, is it just entirely possible that I am overthinking this whole thing? Then again, something clearly was different, because my little icon on people's pages was gone... Sigh, technology really doesn't make things any easier. If these were two different journals, I'd just close one book and pick up the other!!

It's all Nilla's fault!

2011-01-13T01:34:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a back-log of stories in my inbox from 'nilla. 'Nilla, you are sooo amazing! I am seriously having sexual-submissive-type-cravings right now! And that's after what Daddy did to me before leaving for work tonight! You know what? If I break Daddy's ban on masturbation without permission, it's totally your fault, girl! So if a sexy, angry Dom shows up at your door demanding to spank you, now you know why. Just sayin... ;)

Has anyone else noticed how dang cold it is lately? Global warming, my butt! :p At night it is getting down in the single digits... and me without my heater. :( Daddy's on nights for awhile.

I really did have something to write about. I think all those stories turned my brain to mush. Guess I'll just have to post a picture or two instead. :)