Being a Dom

I am not a Top.  If you are a regular reader of my blog, you're probably laughing right now, even considering the idea.  So why am I writing a post about Doms?

I fielded some questions a few days ago about D/s.  I was talking with someone who, I think, is just beginning to understand his "Dom potential."  He definitely has it, and if he can bring it out even more, I see it doing him a world of good in all areas of his life.  Being a Dom just seems to have that effect, at least from where I sit, watching.  But it really had me thinking about the purposes and ideas behind this lifestyle, from the OTHER side of the paddle.

Daddy will be the first to tell you that he's still learning.  I know it probably doesn't take every man a long time to become a Dom, but Daddy is careful when things have to do with me.  At least, I'm thinking that has a lot to do with it.  And honestly, D/s is such a huge change from what society tells you is a "normal" way to live, that it causes a guy to have a lot of mental struggles along the way.  (Again, let me stress that I am saying these things only from my experience as a sub, observing Doms!)

Question: What if he is wrong?  What if he punishes you, but really he was in the wrong and shouldn't have done it?

My answer: I have a voice.  Being a sub doesn't mean not being able to have input.  And, for us, there are certain rules that get a punishment.  He doesn't just come home pissed off and arbitrarily punish me!  We both know what the rules are, we both agreed to them, and we both know the consequences for not following them.  They are there for MY benefit for the most part--some have even been asked for by me to help me with something I'm struggling with.  Honestly, it messes up my personal sense of equilibrium to not have my rules enforced--to "get away" with something--more than it does getting hauled over Daddy's knee and paddled.

More than even that though, and here is where I can't vouch for anything for sure... but I think that being a Dom has got to come from inside.  Things like self-control, moral code, being an upstanding guy--aren't those things that a Dom is always improving within himself?  Otherwise, how could he be expected to enforce rules on another person?  How could a girl even truly trust him, look up to him, feel totally safe and secure with him?  So, maybe there is a day that a Dom is wrong about a punishment or is too harsh (he is only human), but he learns from that, and he even apologizes, because he loves and values his little girl more than anything.

And all of that leads back to what I said about being a Dom helping in all areas of life.  I see it in my Daddy.  When he embraces his Dom-ness, it radiates around him.  People at work feel it; random people at the store feel it; I even see certain women in public react to him in interesting ways, which makes me wonder about their sub-ness, of course!  He does better with everything in his life, and he feels happier and more confident and content.

Other question: Why spanking??

My answer:  (Inner confusion!  At this point, it's such an accepted part of my life, I find it hard to really explain any more.)  Number one, problem solving.  "Adults" in relationships get mad at each other, stomp around, argue, stop talking, have anger for days.  Wouldn't it be easier to say, "This is our set rule, that rule has been violated, here is the punishment"?  You spank, feel closer, forget your anger at each other, and that is that.  (Then I wondered if some Doms ever have a hard time getting over their frustrations, even after a spanking.  Spanking means you forgive and it's done with, if or until it happens again.  Maybe my friend doesn't truly feel that concept?)  Number two, it gets attention, and often is the only way, at least for this girl.  I can be overly emotional, I totally admit it.  I can get lost in PMS, or so committed to being a sassy brat, or just be having such a darn bad day that I don't care if I cause everyone else around me one too, that the only way to get through to me is to take off your belt.  So emotionally, spanking is good for my Dom because he can get my attention and tell me I'm out of line, and good for me because I'm probably feeling out of control and it's going to be cathartic.

I don't know, I didn't feel that I'd done very well when the conversation was over.  In fact, I had a whole lot of questions myself, about how Doms feel, what they are thinking, etc.  That, and curiosity about how it feels to be one of them instead of a submissive.  Which probably means that, if you want to know about being a Dom, you should ask one, instead of asking me.  Still, I hadn't ever questioned my ability to explain all of this until now! 

What I sort of felt like saying: You know why spanking?  Cuz I need it and it works!  It helps sort me out.  I hate it, but I love it. Yes, I'm terribly abnormal most of the time; perhaps I'm even messed up somehow, but I don't care!  I'm not like all the people you meet in life.  Perhaps I'm more real though!  I admit that I'm bratty sometimes and push my husband's buttons; I admit that I worry that he doesn't care sometimes; I admit that, every now and then, I look for a spanking just to see if he's willing to do it.  Then I get one and regret it... (Yes, I was asked something akin to how being a brat means how can you really be submissive.  Well, if you have children, you understand the concept, trust me!)  But my relationship is deeper and more trusting and loving than most others you will ever come across.  Yeah it has its ups and downs, but we know each other better than most EVER will.  And I'm free to explore every side of myself, without worries.  So are you actually trying to understand this whole thing?  If not, quit poking me!!

Then again, I am hardcore pms'ing this week and really ought to be spanked.  (Haha--maybe an answer like that would suddenly have brought him his epiphany of "Why spanking indeed!")